Your Top 10 Questions About Body Safety!

1. At what age should I begin talking with my kids about body-safety?

It’s never too early to start talking with children about body safety, as long as the information is age-appropriate and presented without fear. For example, when you’re bathing your 18-month-old daughter, you might say:

“Mommy is cleaning your back and your legs. Now Mommy is helping you
clean you vagina. Your vagina is your private part. You’re the boss of your body.”

As the child gets a little older, you would add to the body-safety rule:
“Your vagina is one of your private parts and no one is allowed to touch your private parts unless you need help cleaning them, or your private parts are hurt or sick and the doctor needs to examine them. And Mommy will always be in the room if the doctor has to look at your private parts.”

In the words of a two-year-old child, whose mother has been teaching body-safety concepts for over a year, “My vagina is mine!”

2. When should my kids stop bathing with each other and when should I (we) stop being naked in front of them?

It is common for children to begin showing modesty around age seven or eight, but it could be as early as five, or even either side of ten. Your child may seek greater privacy when he or she gets dressed or uses the bathroom, and your child may tell you that he or she does not want to bathe with siblings any longer.

If your child doesn’t express modesty through privacy requests, you might bring up the topic through teachable moments. For example, when siblings are bathing together, you might say:

“If at some point either of you prefer to bathe without your sister (or brother),
that’s perfectly fine because in our home we respect each other’s privacy.”

I want to acknowledge that separate bathing, with two or more kids, means more work for parents, so you might consider other ways to reinforce privacy.

A word about nudity: Depending on your values, you may or may not be comfortable with nudity in your home. If you do allow nudity, be sure to reinforce body-safety rules and consider introducing boundaries if any family member expresses discomfort.

3. Do I have to ask permission every time I kiss or hug my child? 

In Parenting Safe Children and my book, Off Limits,   I discuss the importance of allowing children to choose if, when, and with whom they show affection. Why is it important to give children this choice?

It turns out that a child who can say “No” to a loved one in a safe environment has a better chance of saying “No” when approached in an unsafe situation. For this reason, I recommend asking children before showing affection. For instance, you might ask, “May I have a kiss?” or “Do you want a kiss?”

When you ask and a child grants or denies permission, you are empowering your child to be the boss of his or her body. If nothing else, read your child’s body language. If your child resists your hug, then back off and respect his or her wishes. You can also turn resistance into a teachable moment by saying:
“I respect your boundaries and you’re the boss of your body. When you want a hug or a kiss, let me know.”

A young child typically will rush over and give you a hug because he or she feels empowered!
I know how natural it is for parents and grandparents to want to shower their children and grandchildren with hugs and kisses. But giving a child a choice about physical affection is a powerful prevention tool. If you’re having trouble bringing a family member on board with this body-safety rule, please share this newsletter and invite that individual onto your prevention team.

4. What if I teach my seven year old about sex and he/she tells friends about it?

Of course kids are going to discuss sex with their friends! It’s fascinating, right?
I recommend being proactive by letting your children’s caregivers know that you have discussed sex. If your child has a best friend, you might even tell his or her parents. In the same conversation, reinforce your child’s body-safety rules.

Remember not to say to your child, “Don’t tell your friends about sex.” You will contradict your “no secrets” rule, and kids will tell their friends anyway. If it’s really a concern to you, you might say:  “Many times parents like to be the ones to teach their children about sex, so let’s let Liam’s parent(s) tell him when they’re ready.”

5. How do I know if my toddler is safe? She can’t tell me if someone has broken a body-safety rule?

The fewer caregivers you have, the lower the risk of abuse. If you don’t have the option of limiting caregivers, be sure to talk with (“screen”) every caregiver about your child’s body-safety rules and invite him or her onto your prevention team.

While screening is your best prevention tool, it’s also important to know the signs of sexual abuse. (See Off Limits: A Parent’s Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse.)

6. How do I speak with children about masturbation?

Like any other conversation with children, talk about masturbation candidly and with accurate and age-appropriate information. And perhaps most importantly, without shame. As you well know, every day children present teachable moments for parents to introduce and reinforce concepts and values. For instance, if your child has her hands in her pants in public, you might say:

“It’s okay to touch your vagina, but that’s something you do when you’re by yourself. Your vagina is a private part of your body so you touch it when you have privacy.”
 And then you would redirect your child’s attention to something else.

It’s even okay to acknowledge pleasure. Consider this exchange between a Dad and his 4-year-old son:

“Dad, look It’s so big and purple!”
“Yes, that’s because when you touch your penis it feels good.”

Fast forward to fifth or sixth grade, and now age-appropriate discussions might include nocturnal emissions and an explanation that an orgasm is a pleasurable feeling that comes from your penis being touched—and that it’s normal and okay.

I know talking about masturbation may be uncomfortable, but just like your nurture your child’s emotional, spiritual, and physical development, it’s important to  nurture your child’s sexual development. Why? It’s important because sexual offenders look for children who are uninformed about sex so the offender can teach the child. The more you’re available to your child with information about sex and sexuality, the more likely your children will go to you for information and the less vulnerable your child is to sexual abuse.

7. If I teach my kids about sex in primary school, isn’t it going to make them curious to try sex?

Contrary to popular belief, talking to kids about sex does not make them go out and have sex. Not talking about sex and sexuality, however, does contribute to misinformation, confusion, shame, and body image issues. And most pertinent to this discussion, talking with children about sex and sexuality in an age-appropriate way empowers children and teens around body-safety. It lets them know that no topic is off limits, which makes kids more likely to speak with you about both safe and unsafe situations.

You can certainly reinforce your values while having conversations about sex. For instance, “I’m really glad we can talk about sexuality because I don’t want you to be confused or get misinformation from other kids. In our family we really value …”

8. Are there ever children who were not abused themselves, but who go on to sexually abuse other children?

Yes, but most children who act out sexually toward other children have experienced some prior trauma – sexual, physical, emotional, or severe neglect. Remember though, not all children who are victims of sexual abuse will sexually abuse others; in fact, most do not. But of the children who do sexually abuse others, most were traumatized in some way.

9.What happens when you make a report of child abuse to Child Protective Services (CPS)?

Child Protective Services (sometimes called Department of Children & Family Services) is a government agency and its mission is to keep kids safe. When you report actual or suspected abuse to CPS, a screening team reviews the reported incident and determines, based on the state’s criteria, whether to investigate it. If the incident does not meet the state’s criteria, the report is kept on file anyway, which is why it’s important to report suspected abuse. If the incident does meet the state’s criteria, the child is interviewed by a qualified interviewer who determines if the child is in imminent danger and what action should be taken. When the alleged offender is not a family member, law enforcement gets involved; otherwise, social services remains involved.
Remember, the purpose of making a report is to protect the child. CPS wants to keep families together.

10.Do sex offenders “groom” children in front of other people?

Yes, sometimes offenders will groom right in front of you because they want to desensitize you to grooming behavior. Consider this situation: A neighbor spends more time playing with children than adults, and is seen pulling up a child’s shirt and tickling a child’s belly. By engaging in this seemingly playful behavior in front of you, the offender wants you to think, “Gosh, he’s so great with kids.”

I am not suggesting that all adults who play with and tickle kids are offenders, but rather that it’s important to learn the signs of grooming, which I discuss in chapters two through five of Off Limits.

My Daughter is Empowered and I’m Proud of Her!

“We had a proud, wonderful experience with our very shy daughter, who is in kindergarten. Our daughter has been participating in a national competition. During one of the regional events, there was a spontaneous problem-solving competition, and the parents were asked to wait outside. I felt okay about this because my daughter’s coach, one of the moms from her kindergarten class, was present.

When the competition was over, the coach reported to me that they had a debrief with the kids, during which the judges asked the kids to keep secret, for a couple of months, what had gone on in the competition room. The judges also said, ‘don’t even tell your parents!’  Apparently, my daughter raised her hand and said, in front of the whole group, ‘My mom says that we don't keep secrets and that I can tell my mom and dad everything.’

I could not have felt more proud of our daughter or more pleased about her safety in this moment.”

Boss of Body

Some parents are concerned that if a child thinks he is the boss of his body, the child will ‘talk back.’ Here’s a great example of how a mom and her child practiced the body-safety concept. THIS is an off-limits kid in the making!

“I’ve been teaching my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter that she is the boss of her body. She was over tired and didn’t want to get out of car seat. I picked her up and she screamed, ‘you bossed my body, Mommy.’

I replied, ‘I know sweetie, but you’re not safe in the garage alone and we have to go in the house. Mommy sees you’re really sad and mad, and it’s ok that you’re mad. You are the boss of your body, but sometimes Mommy has to touch or hold you to make sure you’re safe.’”

Child Sets Boundary with Sitter

While it’s a parent’s job to keep kids safe, by teaching body-safety rules to children, you empower them to speak up themselves. THIS is an off-limits kids!

“My husband and I were out on a date and when we came home, our sitter told us that she was giving our son a bath and he said, ‘No one is allowed to touch my  private parts, so I will wash my own butt.’ Our sitter knows our family’s body-safety rules and respected our son’s boundaries.”

Lessons from Penn State

Sandusky and Penn State have come to represent complete individual and institutional failure on behalf of children. This tragedy also presents us with an enormous teachable moment. Here are some lessons to consider.

1. Be wary of hero worship. We cannot honor a person’s stature, position, or notoriety at the expense of children's safety. Sandusky and Paterno are not heroes. Sandusky is a pedophile, and Paterno was complicit in allowing the sexual abuse of children on his watch. Consider your own attitudes toward the leaders in organizations which care for your child, and don’t be intimidated about asking hard questions.
   
2. Be vigilant about screening. Unfortunately, in the quest for power, adults may debase children. If you enroll your child in a program affiliated with a “hero,” or in a program which seeks the spotlight and winning at any cost, screen and screen again. Ask to read the organization’s body-safety policies, ask how the policies translate to practices, and find out how body-safety policies and practices are monitored. You have a right to ask, “Has anyone in your organization ever been accused of inappropriately touching a child? If so, how did you handle it?”
   
3. Own the responsibility. We all – as individuals and members of communities – share responsibility for keeping children safe. Make sure the volunteers, staff, and administrators who interact with your children in school and youth programs have been trained to honor and uphold the body safety of all children.
   
4. You don’t need proof to protect a child. While everyone has a right to due process, do not hesitate to speak up if you see concerning behaviors. Learn the warning signs, and if you see something or suspect something, tell the organization’s leader, call social services, or report it to the police. If you don’t, you are complicit and can be held liable.
   
5. Regularly talk with kids about body safety. With all the responsibilities of parenting, it can be tough to continually reinforce body-safety rules, yet it’s important to keep those conversations alive—e.g., “No one is allowed to touch the private areas of your body or ask you to touch theirs. If anyone tries to or does touch your private parts, tell a trusted adult.” Children don’t always tell when they are being abused because they may have been threatened and/or may fear losing a person they love or admire. So remind them, “It’s never too late to tell. I will not be mad at you. I will always love you.”

For more information about choosing safe authority figures for your children, see Off Limits: A Parent’s Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse.    If you feel the need to speak privately or to get advice about a pressing situation, I do phone consultations, by appointment.

Building an Off-Limits School

Your children will be starting or returning to school soon! If you have not already had a chance to screen your child’s school, preschool, daycare, or activity program, this is a great time to do so. And to make it easier for you, we have prepared a free Back to School Screening Packet.