5 Tips for Talking with Children about Consent

1.  Be a model each and every day. If someone asks you to do something and you don’t want to, it’s okay to say “No.” Let’s say you’re carrying your infant to day care to pick up your Kindergartener. Another mother says, “Oh my gosh, she’s beautiful, can I hold her for just a minute?” If you’re thinking “No,” you get to say, “No!” This is consent in action and you’re modeling it for your older child.

2.     Teach kids that they get to choose with whom they show affection. This is a hard one for parents and grandparents, but if your children and grandchildren don’t get to choose whether they feel like hugging you and your family, how can you expect them to say no to someone else? If grandma wants a kiss, she has to ask. And if the answer is “No,” then it’s “No.” Of course, you can be kind about it and explain that you are teaching your children about consent so they can protect themselves and have healthy relationships.

3.     Teach your children that no one is allowed to touch their private parts (and they are not allowed to touch anyone else’s private parts) unless you’re helping them wash, or it’s the doctor and you, the parent, are present. This alone, however, is insufficient, because when your child is at camp or involved in a sports program with a trainer, nurse or doctor, you won’t be there. Therefore, it’s absolutely crucial to:

4.     Invite every single substitute caregiver onto your prevention team. This way, you are putting each coach, teacher, doctor, tutor, relative, nanny, and so forth on notice that you’re paying attention and your child has been taught body-safety rules. See Build Your Prevention Team - the Easy Way.

5.     Have age-appropriate and explicit conversations with your children about consent and what it looks like in different situations. See How to Talk with Children About Consent.

What is Consent?

Consent takes place when someone agrees to and gives permission to an activity by saying, “Yes.” Consent is always freely given and each party must feel like they are able to say “Yes” or “No,” and if they say “Yes,” can still stop the activity at any point. If there is not a deliberate “Yes,” then the answer is by default “No,” which means that if someone cannot find their voice to say anything, then the answer is also “No.”

You can teach children consent from day one, through every developmental stage. By starting the conversation early, your children have more time to internalize body-safety rules and practice setting boundaries. 

And you can also model consent through your own actions. Ask your child if she wants a kiss or a hug. Just because you want to give them one, doesn’t mean they want one. If your children can’t say “No” to you, how will they be able to say “No” to anyone else?

Minors, of course, cannot give consent to sexual activity, but if you teach them about consent, when they get to a consenting age, they can be responsible and thoughtful givers and receivers of love, affection, and sexual intimacy.

Averting Child Sexual Abuse

A Mom Reflects on Parenting and Prevention

As a data-driven professional my career has been spent measuring. I measure my sales team’s success against their targets. I measure a campaign’s success in the marketplace. We even measured poops and pees when our daughter was first born (doctor recommended) … although the line charts weren’t actually necessary. Most of what happens in our lives can easily be measured.

This past year I came to realize child sexual abuse prevention is one thing that cannot be measured – unless it’s averted.

When my children were born, I knew I did not want them to be a statistic. At least not one of the one’s that we see on the news each evening.

We stumbled across the Parenting Safe Children Workshop and signed up. Feather taught us how to prevent our girls from becoming one of the statistics. We took her teaching seriously. We always asked caregivers questions about child safety. We talked regularly with our girls about body safety, making the point they were in charge of their bodies and had to give permission for anyone to touch them. I even told my daughter’s doctors that they needed to ask her permission before examining her. Prior to dropping them off at any activity we went through the regular script, “Don’t go to the bathroom by yourself, don’t go anywhere alone with an adult, don’t go outside the building unless I’ve texted you and you can see my car.” The exact words changed and morphed over the years but the gist and the intent were the same.

We talked about secrets vs. surprises, being isolated or separated when in a group, and the list went on.

Fast forward to last fall: My two girls are now in their teens and they, along with another teammate, came to me and another mom to share “something wasn’t quite right at practice.”

They proceeded to share in detail what amounted to a situation where the coach was grooming the post-puberty girls. He had begun to try to get them alone and was becoming bolder in his actions. The girls on the team made a pact, to not tell the adults, but these three young women recognized everything their parents had been telling and teaching them was coming into play - and they needed help. 

After they told us, and asked for help, we quickly assured them they had done exactly the right thing and that the adults would handle it going forward. The girls never saw the coach again. The parents took action by contacting the owner who engaged a child abuse specialist, engaging a detective through law enforcement, and beginning counseling to ensure all stones had been uncovered.

How many of these cases happen every year – where a child, from the time they were toddlers, has been taught basic body-safety techniques and averts what could have been a very dire situation.

An educated parent and an empowered child can avert a child sexual abuser.

Read the daughter's post here: 
http://blog.parentingsafechildren.com/2017/10/a-teen-shares-her-story.html

A Teen Shares Her Story

Red Flags, But Can I Tell My Parents?

"If something does not feel right, you need to tell us…”

It was those words that rung in my ears when my coach grabbed my hips so close that I felt his breath on my shoulders. I knew what was happening was not right. I was at practice, my teammates were near, I was wearing a leotard and still I was being violated, and that was not ok. Red flags went up all around my body the first time I was touched. I knew after the second time I needed to go to my parents immediately. I remember sitting in a local restaurant telling my parents what happened to me, with one of my teammates. It was a talk that I never dreamed of myself having. I knew I could tell my parents anything and that I would be safe.

I have always read stories of young girls getting molested or raped all over the nation never knowing that it could possibly be me. I remember the day it happened. I was very scared and worried of what could possibly happen next. I didn’t know what to do other than tell my parents, which I was taught since I was a toddler. This possibly could have saved me from the absolute worst.

In the aftermath, I spent three hours talking to a forensic interviewer and a detective. It was one of the most stressful environments for a 15-year-old. I knew I had to continue to push through and persevere, so that what I spoke could potentially save another child. Most nights I would come home crying. I was so emotionally exhausted from all of these events happening. It was and still is one of the hardest obstacles I have had to overcome.

Later on my mom told me about these classes that she had taken and that was how her and my dad had parented to ensure I knew about body safety. I want to thank Feather from the bottom of my heart for providing these classes and giving my parents the tools for awareness and prevention.

Advice for Other Teens
I have found throughout my case and many others that many of my friends are afraid to speak up in a certain situations. They hope by staying quiet the issue will fix itself. My one piece of advice is when something doesn’t feel right, even if it seems minuscule you have to speak up to a parent or trusted adult. To this day I still struggle thinking what my coach did to me was my fault and I think that is an issue that many girls face. They feel that other people’s actions are their fault, when it is not. During forensic interview, it was extremely hard emotionally for me to comprehend. Replaying the details of what happened to me to my interviewer was so hard, but it began to change my thinking of it - that it wasn’t my fault. It was my coach’s issue, not mine.

To start my healing I began volunteering at a child advocacy center. Through my volunteering it gave me the realization that many girls struggle with some form of abuse and it was not just me. I would tell anyone who has gone through something similar to me to get connected, get help, and don’t close yourself off. 

You can read the mom's post here: 
http://blog.parentingsafechildren.com/2017/10/averting-child-sexual-abuse.html

What's Your School Doing to Keep Your Child Safe from Sexual Abuse?

Talking with the Director
Just as you would talk with the director about curriculum, teachers, meals, and play safety, it's also important to ask about policies and practices that will help keep your kids safe from sexual abuse. Please don’t let your discomfort stand in the way of this important back-to-school conversation. Ask the director about background checks for all adults in the building: teachers, staff and even volunteers. Most sex offenders, however, are never caught so they don’t end up on the National Sex Offender Registry. This means it’s also important to ask about reference checking and interviewing. Ideally, the director includes interview questions about the appropriate and inappropriate touch of children.

Also ask about these policies:
1)  Adults spending time alone with children
2)  Appropriate / inappropriate touch of children by adults
3)  Appropriate / inappropriate touch of children by children
4)  Diapering, toileting, and changing clothes

Because one-third to one-half of all sexual abuse is committed by youth, it’s also important to learn how staff intervene in children’s sexual behaviors, both appropriate and concerning. Ask questions about how staff are trained to recognize age-appropriate and harmful sexual behaviors, and the protocol for responding to both.

Policies, however, aren’t enough, so you might ask how practices are monitored. As you are talking with the director, look for open and forthcoming communication.

Touring the SchoolAs you walk through the school, look at the physical layout and make sure there are no spaces where an adult could be alone with a child or a child could be alone with another child. All of the spaces where children study, play, and interact should be open and easily visible. Doors should have windows and bathrooms should not contain areas where children can be isolated. In preschool environments, pay close attention to diaper changing areas.

Meeting the TeacherIf you don’t have a chance to meet your child’s teacher before the first day of school, it's never too late to have a conversation with him or her about your child’s body-safety rules. For example:

“I wanted to tell you that we have been teaching our son, Jamie, some body-safety rules. Perhaps you have heard him exclaim that he is the boss of his body! I also wanted to let you know that our son does not keep secrets. While we will encourage him to follow your safety rules, we have also told him that that if anyone asks him to do something that breaks one of his body-safety rules, he has permission to say ‘No’ and tell us right away.” 
Training for Staff, Parents & ChildrenThe strongest child abuse prevention programs include regular education. At a minimum, look for annual staff training that covers myths and facts about sexual abuse, school policies, appropriate and inappropriate touch of children, and the warning signs that someone is abusing or being abused.