Is Porn Bad for Kids?

Take the Parenting Safe Children Online Safety Quiz

Guest Post by Annie Gardiner

I remember the first time I found a Playboy magazine. Wide-eyed, I turned the pages feeling both nervous and excited.

Teens look at porn out of curiosity, for stimulation, or to impress friends. It’s entirely normal for children to be interested in sex and viewing images is one way teens, particularly post-pubescent males, satisfy their sexual curiosity and urges.

But is online porn different?

I can say without hesitation that looking at an occasional Playboy or Penthouse as a teen didn’t harm me.  But today, in the world of online porn, it’s a whole other ball game.

Online porn comes in flavors that are detrimental. The prevalence of violent and illegal images is mind boggling, and these pictures send inappropriate and unrealistic messages about sex, sexuality, and gender roles. With millions of demeaning porn images swirling about the Internet, what are teens and young adults learning about what it means to be a sexual partner and what it means to have a consensual and respectful relationship?

I’m a realist, and I understand curiosity about sex is normal and teens will continue to view porn online, so perhaps the best question is, what are parents doing? 

According to some adolescent therapists, parents are sort of surprised to realize that their teen has become a sexual being and that parents aren’t sure how to navigate a conversation about pornography and healthy sexuality.

What do you think? What kinds of conversations are you having with your children / teens about online porn?

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Please share this post.

Children, Teens and Online Sexual Solicitations

Parents tell us they are both supportive and wary of their children’s online involvement. Children and teens go online to do homework, grab an Uber, socialize, play games, and find out information about any topic – from sports to babysitting jobs to dating and sex.


Online Sexual Solicitations
Online abuse, however, is more common than we might like to think, so it’s important to understand how it happens. According to different research studies, between one in five and one in 11 youth (ages 10-17) has been sexually solicited online. According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, females and teens (ages 14-17) are more likely to be solicited.

A sexual solicitation might be “What are you wearing?” or “What is your bra size?” to a more aggressive online solicitation where a child is invited to game at someone’s house – and that someone has ill intentions.

What Online Predators Need
The more a child uses the Internet, the more likely they are to be solicited. For abuse to take place, online predators need access to and privacy with children and teens.

Access
95% of youth (ages 12-17) use social networking sites, and chat rooms[1], giving online predators tremendous access to minors. Even children under five are going online at least once a week.[2]

Privacy
With privacy and anonymity, predators engage youth across multiple media, from chat rooms to gaming sites to instant messaging. In fact, according to one survey, 89% of sexual solicitations targeting youth were made in chat rooms or through Instant Message[3].

Gaming also allows for private interactions, and 97% of teens (ages 12-17) play online games.

While researchers are still learning about the nuances of online grooming behavior, solicitation may include direct requests for chat, information, sexual activity, in-person meeting, or exposure to sexual materials. 

Who Online Predators Target
Based on research by the leading experts in child sexual abuse prevention, predators seek youth with a history of sexual or physical abuse; who post sexually provocative photos or videos; who talk about sex online with people they do not know; and/or who feel alienated or alone. Boys who are gay or who question their sexual orientation are also vulnerable if they seek out information and connection online.[5]
 
Risky Online Behaviors
Predators specifically look for kids who engage in four risky online behaviors[6]:

• Communicating with unknown people
• Sharing personal information with unknown people (More than half of all teens have given out personal info online to someone they don’t know, including photos and physical descriptions.)[7]
• Talking about sex online
• Meeting online friends in the outside world

Even youth who are not engaging in risky behaviors can be vulnerable in the “Wild West” of the online world. Seventy percent of kids (ages 8-18) have encountered pornography online accidentally, sometimes by entering a seemingly benign search term as part of a homework assignment. [8]

Now what can you do about this? Stay tuned for more content from Parenting Safe Children during Child Abuse Prevention Month. Oh, and have you taken The Parenting Safe Children Online Safety Quiz?



Sources:

1. Lenhart A. www.pewinternet.org, Nov 2013.

2. Lenhart A. Social media and young adults. Pew Internet and American Life Project, 2010.

3. http://www.guardchild.com/statistics

4. Lenhart A. Teens, video games, and civics. Pew Internet & American Life Project, 2008.

5. Wolak J, Finkelhor D, Mitchell K, Ybarra M. Online “predators” and their victims: myths, realities, and implications for prevention and treatment. American Psychologist, 2008; 63, 111-128.

6. Mitchell, K.J., Finkelhor, D., &Wolak, J. Youth internet users at risk for the most serious online sexual solicitations. American Journal of Preventative Medicine, 2007; 32, 532-536.

7. Social Media and Young Adults. Pew Internet & American Life Project, Feb. 2010.

8. Kaiser Foundation, 2006

 

Your Top 10 Questions About Body Safety

1.  At what age should I begin talking with my kids about body-safety? 

It's never too early or too late to start talking with children about their body safety, as long as the information is age-appropriate and
presented without fear. For example, when you're bathing your 18-month-old daughter, you might say:

"Mommy is cleaning your back and your legs. Now Mommy is helping you clean your vulva. Your vulva and vagina are your private parts. You're the boss of your body."

As your child gets a little older, you would add to the body-safety rule: "Your vulva and your vagina are two of your private parts, and no one is allowed to touch your private parts unless you need help cleaning them, or your private parts are hurt or sick and the doctor or nurse needs to examine them. And I will always be in the room if the doctor has to look at your private parts."

In the words of a two-year-old child, whose mother has been teaching body-safety concepts for over a year, "My vagina is mine!"

If you have a six-year-old child and you have not discussed body safety yet, you certainly can begin now. When your adorable child strips off his/her clothes running around the house, giggling while the neighbors are over, you can teach your child that when there is company in your home, clothes stay on, and private parts stay covered.


2.  When should my kids stop bathing with each other and when should I (we) stop being naked in front of them?

It is common for children to begin showing modesty around age seven or eight, but it could be as early as five, or even either side of ten. Your child may seek greater privacy when he or she gets dressed or uses the bathroom, and your child may tell you that he or she does not want to bathe with siblings any longer.

If your child doesn't express modesty through privacy requests, you might bring up the topic through teachable moments. For example, when siblings are bathing together, you might say:

"If at some point either of you prefer to bathe without your sister (or brother), that's perfectly fine because in our home we respect each others privacy."

I want to acknowledge that separate bathing, with two or more kids, means more work for parents, so you might consider other ways to
reinforce privacy.

A word about nudity: Depending on your values, you may or may not be comfortable with nudity in your home. If you do allow nudity, be sure to reinforce body-safety rules and consider introducing boundaries if any family member expresses discomfort. Also be sure to have everyone clothed when other children or adults are visiting your home.

3.  Do I have to ask permission every time I kiss or hug my child?

In Parenting Safe Children workshops and in my book, Off Limits, I discuss the importance of allowing children to choose if, when, and with whom they hug and kiss. Why is it so important to give children this choice? Because by teaching children early on about boundaries, you are setting the stage for mutual respect and consent throughout their lives.

 And it turns out that a child who can say "No" to a loved one in a safe environment has a better chance of saying "No" if approached in an unsafe situation. For this reason, I recommend getting consent, particularly with younger children. You might say, "May I have a kiss?" or "Do you want a kiss?" When you ask, and a child grants or denies permission, you are empowering your child to be the boss of his or her body. And sometimes, a child who feels empowered will then rush over to hug you; on the other hand, if your child runs off asserting his/her right to choose, you can feel good knowing that you are helping your child understand the ever important concept of consent.

With older kids, you can also read body language, and when you know your child doesn't want to be smothered with kisses, just name it -- e.g., "As much as I want to give you hugs and kisses, I can see you don't want them now and that's your choice. You always get to choose whether you want to be touched, or not."

If you're having trouble bringing a family member on board with this body-safety rule, please share this newsletter and invite that individual onto your prevention team.

4.  If my child doesn't ask questions or seem curious about sex, should I bring it up?  

Yes! Be proactive and look for teachable moments to open conversations. Some children are reluctant to ask questions about sexuality, or just don't ask a lot of questions in general. Your child may never ask, but it's still important for you be their first correct source of information.

You can normalize conversations about sexual development at different stages in your child's growth. For example, if your five-year-old child stares at your menstrual blood in the toilet but doesn't ask questions, use it as a teachable moment and provide basic information. "Mommy has her period right now which means there's some blood coming out of her vagina. Mommy is not hurt. The blood is coming out because Mommy is not growing a baby. When a baby grows, the blood feeds the baby."

Your child might say, "Oh" and run off to play, but you've started the  conversation and have let your child know that no topics are off limits. When discussing sexual development with children, all you ever have to do is just give the facts and tell the truth.

5. What if I teach my seven-year-old child about sex and he/she tells friends about it?

 Of course kids are going to discuss sex with their friends! It's fascinating, right?

I recommend being proactive by letting your children's caregivers know that you have discussed sex. If your child has a best friend, you might even tell his or her parents. In the same conversation, reinforce your child's body-safety rules.

Remember to avoid saying to your child, "Don't tell your friends about sex." If you do so, you'll be contradicting your "no secrets" rule, and kids will tell their friends anyway. If it's really a concern to you, you might say: "Many times parents like to be the ones to teach their children about sex, so let's let Liam's parent(s) tell him when they're ready."

6.  How do I know if my toddler is safe? She can't tell me if someone has broken a body-safety rule?

The fewer caregivers you have, the lower the risk of abuse. If you don't have the option of limiting caregivers, be sure to talk with every caregiver about your child's body-safety rules and invite each one onto your prevention team.

While screening is your best prevention tool, it's also important to know the signs of sexual abuse. (See Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse.)

 7.  How do I speak with my children about touching their own genitals?

Like any other conversation with children, talk about touching genitals candidly, accurately, and perhaps most importantly, without shame. Your child will present you with ample teachable moments to introduce and reinforce body-safety concepts alongside your values, and it really is possible to answer kid's questions in an age-appropriate way.

Consider this common situation: Your child has her hands in her pants. It could be in public, when relatives are visiting, or while playing with other children, but here's what a response might look like:

"It's okay to touch your vulva/vagina, but that's something you do when you're by yourself. Your vulva and vagina are private parts of your body, so you touch them when you have privacy."

And then you would redirect your child's attention to something else.

It's even okay to acknowledge pleasure. Consider this exchange between a Dad and his 4-year-old son:

"Dad, look It's so big and purple!"

"Yes, that's because when you touch your penis it feels good."

Fast forward to fifth or sixth grade, and now age-appropriate discussions might include nocturnal emissions and an explanation that an orgasm is a pleasurable feeling that comes from your penis being touched -- and that it's normal and okay. Remind your child that he can touch his own penis but others cannot until he gives consent as an older teen or adult.

I know talking about masturbation may be uncomfortable, but just like you nurture your child's emotional, spiritual, and physical development, it's important to nurture your child's sexual development. Why? Sexual offenders look for children who are uninformed about sex so the offender can teach the child. The more you're available to your child with information about sex and
sexuality, the more likely your children will go to you for information, and the less vulnerable your child is to sexual abuse.

8.  If I teach my kids about sex in primary school, isn't it going to make them curious to try sex?

Contrary to popular belief, talking to kids about sex does not make them go out and have sex. Not talking about sex and sexuality, however, does contribute to misinformation, confusion, shame, and body image issues. And most pertinent to this discussion, talking with children about sex and sexuality, in an age-appropriate way, empowers children and teens around body safety. It lets them know that no topic is off limits, which makes kids more likely to speak with you about both safe and unsafe situations.

You can certainly reinforce your values while having conversations about sex. For instance, "I'm really glad we can talk about sexuality because I don't want you to be confused or get misinformation from other kids. In our family we really value ..."

9.  Do sex offenders "groom" children in front of other people?

Yes, sometimes offenders will groom right in front of you because they want to desensitize you to grooming behavior. Consider this situation: A neighbor spends more time playing with children than adults, and is seen pulling up a child's shirt and tickling a child's belly. By engaging in this seemingly playful behavior in front of you, the offender wants you to think, "Gosh, he's so great with kids," and hopes you will not set boundaries.

I am not suggesting that all adults who play with and tickle kids are offenders, but rather that it's important to learn the signs of grooming, which I discuss in Off Limits and the Parenting Safe Children Workshop.

10.  What happens when a report of child abuse is made to Child Protective Services (CPS)?

 Child Protective Services (CPS and sometimes called Department of Children & Family Services) is a government agency and its mission is to keep kids safe. When you report actual or suspected abuse to CPS, a screening team reviews the reported incident and determines, based on the state's criteria, whether to investigate it. If the incident does not meet the state's criteria, the report is kept on file anyway, which is why it's important to report suspected abuse. If the incident does meet the state's criteria, the child is interviewed by a qualified interviewer who determines if the child is in imminent danger and what action should be taken. When the alleged offender is not a family member, law enforcement may get involved; otherwise, social services remains involved.

Remember, the purpose of making a report is to protect the child. CPS wants to keep families together. 

For more information about keeping children safe from sexual abuse, visit parentingsafechildren.com

Grandma Wants a Hug – Teachable Moment

The holidays are a time of greetings and affection, so it’s particularly important to remember that children and teens are safer when they get to choose when and with whom to show affection.

If a family member or friend wants to greet your child with a hug or kiss, and your child does not want to, then seize this teachable moment and stand up for your child by modeling healthy boundaries and communicating clearly.

Grandma: “Oh, it’s so good to see you. Give grandma a hug.”

Mom or Dad: “I know you’re a hugger, Mom, but we’ve taught Darius that he gets to choose when he shows affection and it looks like he doesn’t want to hug right now. Darius, is there another way you'd like to greet grandma besides hugging her."

I know how natural it is for parents and grandparents to want to shower their children and grandchildren with hugs and kisses, but giving children a choice about physical affection teaches that consent matters.

It is never a child’s job to manage the feelings of other people. For more on this topic, check out the Parenting Safe Children December 16 post on Facebook.

When Children Play – a Teachable Moment

You’ve just eaten a big meal and the children, of all different ages, are restless. They want to go play while the adults linger over coffee. What kind of supervision is required to ensure everyone’s safety?

Children can get into scenarios while playing which can be compromising. Remind kids to keep the doors open and review body-safety practices with them. Also let the kids know to come ask if they need anything and let them know that you’ll be in to check on them from time to time.

As children go off to play, remind both the children and the adults about your family’s four body-safety practices:

• Everyone plays with their clothes on.
• No one touches private parts.
• We don’t keep secrets.
• If you feel unsafe in any way, come tell a trusted adult.
  

Pay particular attention to much older children who are playing with much younger children—i.e., an age difference of four or more years. Consider these scenarios between Justin (14 years old) and Jaime (6 years old), and note the behaviors of potential or actual concern:

• Jaime repeatedly pulls Justin out of the group of kids and disappears with him. (teen isolating a child from larger group)
• Justin squeezes Jaime’s buttocks several times. (sexualized teasing)
• Justin squeezes Jaime’s buttocks when Jaime has asked him to stop. (poor boundaries)
• Justin shows Jaime an adult porn magazine. (sexually harmful behavior)
• Justin swears Jaime to secrecy about a special place in the basement. (secrecy)
  

Children need supervision regardless of the setting. Listen to your intuition and speak up if you feel uncomfortable. By communicating safety practices in front of other adults, you are modeling prevention and opening the door for conversation.

Air Travel for the Holidays – Teachable Moment

Whether you are traveling over the holidays or sometime in 2017, here are some body-safety conversation tips for talking with your children about airport security, x-ray machines, and pat downs.

1. Talk with children about airport and airplane rules. With young children (< age 8), have this conversation on the way to the airport. With older children (ages 8+), you can have the conversation further in advance if you wish. Language for young children: People who work at airports have rules we must follow just like at home, school, and other places. These rules keep everyone safe.
    
2. Compare airport safety to other kinds of safety. Language for young children: Just like you have to sit in your car seat when we drive or wear a helmet when you ride your bike, there are certain rules at the airport. To make the topic of safety less scary, weave in general safety expectations.
   Language for young children: On the plane, we stay in our seats unless we are using the toilet. We keep our seat belt on at all times.
    
3. Explain to children what to expect. Language for young children: We’ll check our bags and then we’ll stand in a line where we have to take off our shoes, jackets and belts. Then we’ll go through a metal detector or x-ray machine. In addition, a person who works at the airport and wears a uniform may have to touch our bodies over our clothes to make sure we are safe to get on the airplane.
    
4. Answer questions directly and simply. Provide more details if your children are older and ask more questions. Language for young children: Because no one is allowed to take a knife or scissors or nail clippers on airplanes, and sometimes people forget to leave them home.
    
5. If a pat down is requested, use this as a teachable moment to assert the body-safety rule on touching private parts. Language for young children: We've talked about body-safety rules and you know that no one is allowed to touch the private areas of your body except when the doctor needs to examine you and Mom or Dad is in the room with you. Well, this is another exception. The airport person may need to touch your body over your clothes. This is the only time someone can do this at the airport and I will be with you.
   

As always, try to make prevention fun. You might play a “what if game” to reinforce body safety at the airport, while including other situations as well.

• What if someone else in the airport tried to touch your body—what would you say and do?
• What if your babysitter wanted you to keep a secret—what would you say and do?
• What if a kid at school wanted to look at your private parts in the bathroom—what would you say and do?
  

The answer to all of these questions is the same:

1. Say “NO!”
2. Go tell a trusted adult.

What Does Consent Look Like at Different Ages?

Learning about boundaries and consent is a process that takes place over many years. Here’s what it looks like at different ages.

Toddler:
In the words of a two-year-old child, whose mother has been teaching body-safety concepts for over a year, “My vagina is mine!”

Toddler to Tween:
Mom to her Mother: “I know you love to hug the boys, but we’re teaching them that they get to choose if and when they give and receive hugs, so they know that if they are ever uncomfortable with touch from anyone, they have our permission to refuse.”

Any age:
“My five-year old son was having his annual physical and did not want the doctor to examine his genitals. After reminding him that because I was with him in the room, and it was part of a health check, it would be okay if he agreed. My son did not agree, so we passed on that part of the exam this time and will try again next time.”

(Note: There are times, of course, when you would have to reassure you child and go forward with the genital exam if there is a medical concern. And yes, there are times when children’s bodies need to be touched for a variety of other medical reasons when they have not given permission  (e.g., medication in ears, shots or even putting sunblock on when a child refuses); however, there are also times when honoring a child’s lack of permission is an excellent reinforcement in teaching consent.

Four to five years old
“My husband and I were out on a date and when we came home, our sitter told us that she was giving our son a bath and he said, ‘No one is allowed to touch my private parts, so I will wash my own butt.’ Our sitter knows our family’s body-safety rules and respected our son’s boundaries.”

Eight or more years old
“My eleven-year old was at a sleepover party and a couple of the kids suggested looking at porn on their phones. My child was uncomfortable but worried about refusing because of the peer pressure. In the end he said to his friends, ‘That stuff is not real and it’s illegal, and I don’t want to look.’ I think he was able to refuse because of our many talks about not compromising himself for others.”

Tween and teen
“I am comfortable kissing and nothing else for now.”

Adult Committed Partners:

“I know tonight is ‘date night’ but I’m really just in the mood to watch a movie and give each other back rubs. Is that okay with you?”