I Spoke Up for Kids – and Helped Heal My Past

By Annie, California Aunt

I took the Parenting Safe Children (PSC) workshop to learn more about keeping kids in my life safe from sexual abuse. I was surprised by all the feelings that came up about a childhood experience in which a teenager repeatedly exposed himself to me. When it happened, I was scared, felt like I caused it, and certainly didn’t feel comfortable talking with my mom about it, much less my dad. I thought they would be dismissive or angry with me.

After the PSC workshop, I decided the best thing I could do was grow my own courage so I could speak up to other adults about body safety and child sexual abuse prevention policies. My first opportunity came when I enrolled my niece and nephew in day camp. I decided in advance that I would ask two questions of the administrator: 

1. How do you train your staff in child sexual abuse prevention?
2. What is your policy for adults/teens spending alone time with younger kids?

I was told that each counselor attended a two-day training and that it included a section on keeping kids safe from sexual abuse. I was also told that the camp used a buddy system and that a counselor would never be alone with a child.

I was not entirely reassured because I still needed to talk with the actual staff who would be working with my niece and nephew, so on the first day of camp, I did just that. As I was waiting in line to talk with the counselor, I looked across the field and saw the public restroom, which looked like a potential place to isolate a child. When I got the counselor’s attention, I asked him about the rules for adults taking children to the bathroom. He told me that kids went in pairs, and a counselor would never be alone with a child. At the end, I told him “my kids” were off limits.

The conversations were a little awkward, but so what if I have to feel uncomfortable so a child doesn’t have to feel the discomfort or fear that I felt when I was a kid.

I Invited the Camp Director onto My Prevention Team

By Natale, Colorado Mom

My soon to be 10-year-old son will be attending a week long overnight camp this summer – for the first time – with a friend. While he is excited, I am of course very nervous. We have talked a lot about body safety in our house, and I feel my son is very aware, but I won't be there to help or protect him.

The camp's website provides a lot of very detailed information about the camp, but it doesn't really address safety (some generalities maybe, but certainly nothing about body safety, child abuse or sexual abuse prevention). I consulted Feather on how to approach the camp director about my concerns, and also I got some good ideas from her book and website.

I traded voicemails with the director and he ended up calling me back while I was driving, but we had a very good conversation nonetheless. I started off my conversation with "Have you heard of Feather Berkower and her work with Parenting Safe Children?" I felt this would be a good ice breaker, especially if he had heard of her and would then know where I was headed. He stated that he was familiar with her which was comforting for me. 
 
I can't recall all the specific questions I asked, but I know that we discussed if there was a buddy system (actually the camp requires not two, but 3 campers/counselors together at all times), how showering is monitored, what the sleeping arrangements are like (where do the counselors sleep, how many of them are in the cabin?), how does the camp screen new hires, what type of training do the counselors receive (they have mandatory reporting), etc.
 
I was pleased during the conversation that the director was not taken off guard and was not offended by my questions. I didn't have to pry the info out of him; he was able to tell me exactly what I needed to know (and more). He was open to meeting with me, invited our family to come see the camp, and to the open houses. I had a sense of relief after the call, and I am really happy to have found the courage to contact the camp director, but of course, a parent will never feel 100% assured that their child will be safe when they are away.
 
For now, I know that I am doing what I can to help keep my child safe by making the camp aware that parents will question what they do to keep children free from abuse; as well as talking to my child on an on-going and transparent basis so that he knows how to keep himself safe when at camp.

Standing Up for My Daughter with Grandma

By Geoff, Colorado Dad

A few weeks ago, my wife, my two-year-old daughter and I were at a family gathering. We had a great dinner, my daughter played with her cousins; it was a fine night.
 
When it was time to leave, my wife and I asked our daughter to start saying goodbye to everyone. She said goodbye to her cousins and her aunt and uncle. Eventually it was time to say goodbye to Grandma, so my wife asked her if she wanted to give Grandma hugs. My daughter said "no" and started walking towards the door. Grandma then said to our daughter that she would be very sad if she did not get hugs.

Having just gone to the Parenting Safe Children workshop, my wife and I looked at each other knowing that what Grandma was saying, although it came from a good place, was not in line with our body-safety rules. It took a few moments, but eventually I got up the nerve to say to Grandma that we would appreciate it if she did not say such things to our daughter as we do not want to make her feel guilty in any way if she does not want to give hugs.

Grandma seemed offended at first, but soon realized that I was serious and she agreed to try to avoid such comments in the future. I did not get into any explanation about our body-safety rules or talk to her about being part of our prevention team (maybe at a later time), but it was a good first step as I proved to myself that I am capable of standing up for my daughter even in a very awkward situation.

Eyes, Ears, Nose – and Penis!

By Rachel, Colorado Mom

I attended your Parenting Safe Children workshop a few weekends ago. That day, I went home and played a game with my 2-year-old son. I asked him to point to his eyes (check), ears (check), chin (check), knees (check), and then his penis. He gave me a blank stare. I was actually really surprised that he could point to every body part except that one. So I started right there and taught him ‘penis’ and ‘testicles.’

Since then, we've talked about it a few times. It was difficult in the beginning to bring myself to say the words out loud. But with practice it has gotten easier. My husband and I have also told him that "nobody touches his penis without his permission." In the bath, I let him decide if I wash his penis or if he does.

A Teachable Moment

Last night we were reading a book that had a page with a cartoon character and all the body parts were

labeled. I recognized this as a great "teachable moment." So we pointed to all the character's body parts (this character was just wearing underwear, so no private parts were labeled). I asked him to point to his penis. He pointed and said "penis" and also correctly identified his testicles. Then he told me "Nobody touches my penis!" I was shocked that he picked it up so quickly.

Talking to my son's teacher

After my son had so readily told me "nobody touches my penis,” I figured I had better let the teacher know that we were talking about this at home. She appreciated me letting her know and repeated to my son, "Nobody touches your penis without your permission." Again, it was surprisingly difficult to make myself say the word "penis" out loud. I'm working hard on that because I want to model for both of my sons that there's nothing to be ashamed of and that it's something we can all talk about freely.

I Want Every Parent to Ask Me Five Questions

By Nancy James, Executive Director, Montessori Academy of Colorado

When you walk into our school, you’ll see a sign, “Welcome, Montessori is about celebrating children and supporting a child’s independence—and we are a body-safe school. We added the last part because we want parents to know right away that we take child sexual abuse prevention very seriously. But I still want every prospective parent who walks into my office to ask me these five questions:

Montessori Academy of Colorado

1. What policies do you have in place to reduce the likelihood of child sexual abuse?
2. What are your specific policies for adults spending alone time with children; for the appropriate and inappropriate touch of children; and for diapering, toileting, and changing clothes?
3. How do you monitor your child sexual abuse prevention practices?
4. What questions do you ask prospective hires to screen for sexual offenders?
5. What kind of training do staff, volunteers, parents, and children receive on preventing child sexual abuse?

When every daycare facility and school has policies in place that are regularly monitored, then our communities will be stronger and safer for kids. And how can we make this happen? You – parents. The more parents who invite school administrators, teachers and staff onto their family’s prevention team, the more pressure there is on youth-serving organizations to implement policies and train staff in prevention child sexual abuse.

If you haven’t already seen it, check out this Parenting Safe Children Screening Video which features a parent asking me questions about our policies.

My Heart Was Pounding

By Genevieve, Colorado Mom

“When I attended the Parenting Safe Children workshop, the idea of screening caregivers, coaches, teachers, etc. around sexual abuse was very intimidating. My husband and I promised ourselves, however, that no matter how uncomfortable it was, we were going to talk with everyone about our daughter’s body safety.

The first time I screened a provider I was very anxious. My heart was pounding and I was on the verge of tears because I was so scared that the person was going to look at me like I had two heads and treat me like I was a ‘problem.’

I’m happy to say, this was not at all the case. While I was told in one instance that I was the first parent to ask these questions, the provider was appreciative and thorough. This made me feel safe about leaving my daughter with her.

Next I hired two babysitters. I had gained confidence by this point. The two babysitters who I hired, and still work with today, were extremely professional during my screening process (I used the Parenting Safe Children Nanny Packet) including criminal background checks, thorough reference checks, an interview and trial meeting with my daughter, a discussion about body safety, and a babysitting contract that included body safety.

To all the parents out there who feel the way I did, it gets easier and it feels really good to know that I have spoken up for my child in this way.

Be sure to check out the new ‘Conversation-Starter Card’ pack from Parenting Safe Children, a great way to invite people onto your prevention team.”

You Asked for It!

Every spring, Parenting Safe Children introduces a new tool or campaign to help prevent child sexual abuse. I’m particularly excited about this new tool because you asked for it and you helped create it.

You told me you wanted additional support in having conversations with caregivers about your children’s body safety and boundaries. And now I'm happy to share that inviting caregivers onto your prevention team just got easier!



With the Parenting Safe Children (PSC) “Conversation-Starter Card,” you can confidently initiate conversations about your child’s body safety with all caregivers.

The front of the card offers language for starting a conversation about expectations, boundaries, and body-safety rules. The back of the card is for reference and gives facts about child sexual abuse along with safety tips.

You can use these cards when

• Your child has a play date and you want to align expectations with another parent about body safety.
• You’re in a hurried situation and want to get some basics across.
• You’re speaking with a nanny, school administrator, teacher, coach, or counselor, and want to make sure you’re on the same page.
• You’ve attended a PSC workshop and want to share what you learned with a friend or family member.

Carry the cards in your purse, car, pocket, or even fold a couple and put them in your wallet.

There are 25 cards to a pack, packaged in a resealable bag; instructions included. $10/pack + shipping. Order your ‘Conversation-Starter Card’ pack today because inviting caregivers onto your team is the cornerstone of prevention – and prevention starts with you!

Here are comments from some parents who provided input and trialed the card:

• “What a fantastic tool: The ‘Conversation-Starter Card’ provides a clear path for discussions with caregivers.”
• “We had one of the cards sitting on the counter when we had a new babysitter over and it led us into a great conversation about our body-safety policies.”
• “The ‘Conversation-Starter Card' lends professional credibility to my conversations (rather than 'over-protective mom vibe')."
• “This card makes it easier to start conversations, and in two weeks I’ve gone from having 30% of my caregivers on our prevention team, to 50%!”
• “I’m so glad to have this card, particularly because it will make “play-date conversations” easier.
• “This card shows caregivers that there is a program out there that we are connected to, and this takes some of the pressure off of us and lends credibility.”
• “The PSC ‘Conversation-Starter Card' automatically makes it easier to bridge the conversation. Thank you.”

Yes, I want to order a pack of PSC ‘Conversation-Starter Cards’ today!