Speaking With Your Pediatrician

by a Colorado Mom

I took my eight-year-old daughter to the doctor because she was having some irritation around her vagina. I talked with her ahead of time and said that the doctor may need to look at her vagina. I repeated, as I have in the past, that it's okay because I'll be with her and it's a doctor whose job is to keep her safe and healthy.

So we went into the exam and before she was examined I said to the doctor, “We have been talking about body safety and body safety rules. I have told my daughter that it's okay for you to examine her because I am here and you are helping to keep her safe and healthy.” The doctor said, "Alright, is it okay if I look at your vagina?” My daughter said “yes."

It was a short exam, and it looks like she has some irritation because of bubble bath. It was not uncomfortable and I felt like I had the confidence and language to speak up because of the Parenting Safe Children workshop. I think my daughter also felt more comfortable because I was so open and matter of fact, and because of the conversation I had with the doctor where I asserted a body-safety rule.

I am a Radical Mama

by Julia Julian, Colorado Mom

I am a radical mama. I teach my children they are the boss of their bodies. In our family we do not keep secrets. We talk about everything. We listen to the good, the bad, and the ugly. NO means NO. We play “What if” games. We teach the names of our body parts. “Mom” my youngest use to say, “You have a china”. “Honey I am a girl; I have a vagina.”  “Mom, I came out of your penis.” “Sweetheart, you have a penis because you’re a boy.” I teach my boys to listen to their inner voice, their gut, their intuition, the Holy Spirit, or whatever you want to call it. For myself, I call it my mama voice.

When I was a little girl, my mom would scare me. “Don’t let men even touch your elbow” “Men and women,” she would say “will corrupt you, hurt you, and ruin you.”  She had good reason. Her father was molested by his aunt since he was a small child. Generations of fear passed down like a heavy baton in the race of life.

I wanted to have children and did not want to teach them to fear those who lurk in our own families, places of worship, schools, and sports teams. Those who weave children into their charming web. I wanted my children to be safe without fear, but how?

When my oldest boy was two years old, we heard about this radical class, Parenting Safe Children. My husband attended the workshop. He thought it was the hardest and most gratifying class he had ever taken. I was in awe from what he told me and what I read. Right away our family joined the prevention team.

It has been 5 years since we took Feather Berkower’s radical class. When I sign my boys up for a class, a camp, sports, or church functions, I say, “My boys are the boss of their bodies. We do not have secrets in our family. They are obedient unless they feel their body is not being respected. Are you alright with this?  What are your body safety policies?”  I have said this in group orientations and parents said they have taken the class and are embarrassed to speak up. I tell parents, “try it, practice it, it will protect your child, you will do awesome.”
 
I talk to the people in charge of my children. Some are receptive, some are not. I have encountered all sorts of reactions, facial expressions, whispers, and questions, “what are you talking about” or “are you accusing me of something?”  Other reactions have been positive, grateful, in agreement, and understanding. If I do not protect my boys by just simply talking then who will protect them? No One.

If I do not feel comfortable, my boys do not stay. My boys have said, “Mom I do not feel safe here” so we go. Today my son was showing his soccer coach an "owie." The coach said, “Spit on your 'owie' to heal it, but do not tell your mom or dad.” I was sitting behind them. My five year old reminded him, “I don’t do secrets. I tell my mommy and daddy everything.” And I also followed up with the coach.

When I talk to caregivers I have the mindset of inviting everyone onto my prevention team. In my heart I do this for my boys and for children everywhere. I protect my phone and my laptop by not leaving them with strangers. I wear a seatbelt. I put my money in a bank. I lock my car. I do not want to lock my boys up with fear or put them at risk. I want them to seize the day. So I speak up. I keep it simple. I listen to my inner voice. If people have a problem with this simple talk, then they are not good enough for my boys.

I want to keep my boys safe so they can have the best life possible, full of freedom, joy, and love. Isn’t that what we all want?  

Feather’s workshop is not radical and I am not a radical mama after all.

How I Stopped a Man Who Was Grooming

By Melina Stock, Chicago Mom

Years before I had my own son, I was working as a nanny for a family who had three young daughters. During that time, it was discovered that a classmate of their eldest daughter, Bea, (name changed to protect her anonymity) was being sexually abused by a family member. Bea’s parents and I participated in Feather's Parenting Safe Children workshop to ensure that we would be able to identify concerning behaviors in the future.

Bea's family hosted community gatherings every week. The nature of the community gatherings was such that new people were showing up on a regular basis. Some attendees came only a few times, while others stayed for months or even the entire two years that the gatherings took place.

At one point during this time frame, a young man named began to attend. I don't recall his exact age, but he was in his early 20's. I do recall getting a very strong feeling that I needed to keep an eye on him.

Soon after this man started attending the gatherings, I began to notice a pattern of behavior that represents what we call "Grooming." He rarely interacted with the adults, including me, even though I attempted to ask him questions about where he lived, what he did for a living, where he was from, how he heard of the gatherings, etc.

He began to spend the majority of his time interacting with Bea, who was seven, drawing silly pictures with her, showing her that he knew how to juggle, telling her jokes. I quietly supervised their interactions, knowing that Bea's parents were much too busy with the other guests at the gathering to take notice of his behavior. Eventually, he started to interact with Bea on the fringes, just outside of the spaces where the rest of the group was located. I also started noticing he was encouraging Bea to follow him to places even further away, saying things like, "Hey, let me show you something cool!"

My instincts – combined with concrete knowledge from the Parenting Safe Children workshop – were telling me loud and clear that this was not a safe situation. I believe that this young man was systematically taking advantage of Bea's parents' distraction, Bea's growing trust in and admiration of him, and the very large and spread-out layout of the property on which the gatherings took place. What he didn't know was that a member of the Family’s Prevention Team – ME! – was not only knowledgeable about the warnings signs, but was paying close attention.

To this day, we will never know for certain whether this man was intending to abuse Bea, because I told her parents about what I witnessed, and they watched him at one gathering and agreed that his behavior was inappropriate. Subsequently, Bea's parents talked to him about their concerns and told him he was no longer welcome to attend. We never saw him again. To me, it doesn't matter whether I was right or wrong about him, because offending him was not our concern. Protecting Bea, and the other children around was.

This story speaks volumes to the importance of inviting friends and caregivers onto your Prevention Team, because it is possible that Bea's parents, while educated about child sexual abuse prevention, were too busy to catch the subtle behaviors that were taking place. The fact is that protecting children does NOT require "Helicopter Parenting," but instead the development of a community of informed adults who can be the eyes and ears looking for these signs and behaviors, and will ultimately enable us keep all of our children safe.

A Survivor Shares ...

I regularly receive emails from survivors who experience healing and empowerment from the work of Parenting Safe Children. This one came from a woman who found us on Facebook and has been reading the guest blog posts about speaking up for kids.

"I have been reading the guest blog posts of Parenting Safe Children with awe and relief. I'm in awe that so many people want to save their children from being molested or sexually assaulted. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, I know what unsafe parenting did to me; it ruined my life. I was sexually abused by both my brother and my grandfather. It took years of therapy and finding the right medication to finally get me on a track in my life, where I didn't want to kill myself most of the time.

Everything that Feather Berkower is teaching is right on; family and people in your circle of trust – not strangers – are the ones most likely to harm children. I appreciate the stuff Feather writes in her blog and these guest posts are fascinating. Thank you."

 

Check out the Parenting Safe Children website for books and online resources about healing and recovery.

 

 

The Birthday Party – Too Overprotective?

by Lisa, Colorado Mom

We received an email from a mother inviting my daughter to her daughter’s birthday party. My daughter is eight and just recently became closer to the birthday girl. They had been hanging out at school for maybe three weeks when we got the email about the party. I do not know the birthday girl's parents and wouldn't even recognize them if I passed them at the school.

The email explained that the party would include six girls there (all seven to nine years old). It was going to start off-site in the afternoon on Saturday. Then they would go to the birthday girl's house around dinner time for dinner and movies. Those who wanted to go home that night would leave around 9:30 or 10 and would be welcome to return for breakfast in the morning.
 
I was really thinking that I would go with my daughter and let her stay for dinner and a movie and then we could head home. Then I got to the end of the email and it said, the birthday girl "prefers it is a kid-only event," but the mother would be there the whole time.

I was so creeped out. I always make it clear to parents that they are welcome to drop their child for a play date at my house or stay for coffee or tea, whatever they are comfortable with. I really felt like the invitation was saying I couldn't come. I don't know these people and I was just shocked that I was supposed to send my daughter off to their care for 24 hours.

I may have been able to enter into a dialogue and come to a different agreement but we decided to decline the invitation. We explained to our daughter that part of our job is to keep her safe. We also pointed out how we always welcome parents into our home and asked her if she thought we would ever tell a parent they couldn't stay at our house during a play date. She really recognized how that was a strange request to not have any parents. She was disappointed but really okay with it.
 
In writing this, I see we really could have tried to speak with the family but their comment about being a "kid only" event felt like such a closed door. I hope I wasn't being too overprotective but there wasn't any way we were letting our daughter go under the conditions the birthday family had set.

A Teddy Bear, a Secret, and a Teachable Moment

by Gina, Colorado Mom

My husband and I took our daughter and nephew to Build-a-Bear for Valentine's Day. For those who aren’t familiar with this, each child gets to construct an animal, and then choose clothes, shoes, accessories – and leave with a custom animal. On the company website, it says “Select a heart, whisper a wish and seal it with a kiss!

During the whole ordeal of kissing the heart and rubbing it on your heart, the salesperson who stuffs the animals said to my daughter, "Kiss the animal’s heart and it will keep all your secrets." 

I almost lost my noodle!

I told the girl very nicely that our families don't keep secrets. She looked at me like I was a green alien and I think I might have embarrassed her, which was not my intention. I told her it is about preventing sexual abuse. She just looked at me kind of awkwardly. Other parents overheard too and they kept looking at us. I am really glad I spoke up.

I tried to reach out to Build-a-Bear but have just hit a dead end. I looked on the corporate website and it uses this language: “Select a heart, whisper a wish and seal it with a kiss!”

Here’s the tel # if anyone else wants to try to reach out: 1-877-789-BEAR. Otherwise, it may be something to take up individually – as a teachable moment–  if this matter of “secrets” arises at your local Build-a-Bear store/factory.

What I Witnessed – And What I Did About It

By Anonymous

I wanted to tell you about something I witnessed at our school with the aftercare children and our "coach."

I happened to be in the area doing something and turned around and saw a young girl laying across the lap of the coach. He was "playfully" using her hand to spank her own bottom. All the kids were laughing and I was immediately struck by how inappropriate this was on many levels. It happened quickly and the whole thing only lasted a few seconds.

Well, I turned to someone else who was with me asked if she saw what I saw and if she thought it was highly inappropriate. She did and she agreed. I told her that now that I had seen it, I must report it. That was yesterday.

Today I sat with the principal and told her what I saw. At best this is an absolute lack of judgment on the coach's part, and a clear violation of school rules. It was so difficult to speak up. This coach has worked in the school for over 20 years. He appears to be a nice man. The students love him. Everyone loves him.

But I couldn't sleep last night thinking about those few seconds I witnessed and how my gut screamed “this is wrong.” I was assured by the principal that swift disciplinary action would be taken and they would review the campus surveillance videos.

I honestly think that what I have learned from you has helped me know, without question, that this needed to be reported immediately. There may not be sexual abuse going on, but nonetheless it was disturbing and his actions warrant discipline. I am sure that many people, including the other parent I was standing with may have thought it was harmless but it's exactly that apathy that allows abuse to continue in schools, churches, and homes everywhere.

It takes courage to stand up. You have helped me find that courage and I want to thank you.