Summer Fun, Summer Safety

Pools

My 7-year-old daughter, Erin, will be taking swimming lessons. How do I talk to the swim instructor about her body safety?

First off, the goal of any screening is to invite caregivers onto your prevention team. It’s not an interrogation; it’s a conversation. Many parents ask me how to begin the conversation, so in the response below I offer some specific language. Of course, choose words that feel authentic to you. Initiate the conversation in a friendly manner:

“My daughter is so excited to be taking swim lessons. Do you have a couple minutes so we can talk a bit about safety? Can you tell me about your safety rules for the swim lessons?”
 
After the coach responds, let him or her know that you have additional rules you want to share. This is where you get to talk about body safety and secrets:
 
“I will ask Erin to follow the safety rules you just mentioned. I also want to let you know about our safety rules, which we share with all of our daughter’s caregivers and teachers. Erin does not keep secrets from her parents, she has permission to talk to trusted adults if she feels scared or worried, she is allowed to refuse unsafe requests, and lastly, she has body-safety rules for keeping her physical body safe.”
 
If it’s your first time screening, you might be more comfortable including your spouse or another parent. Either way, through this brief exchange, you are saying, “Let’s be partners in prevention” and you are sending a clear message, “My kid is off limits.”

Public Restrooms

So you’re off to a baseball game, state fair, or amusement park. Should you let your child go into the bathroom alone?

I get this question in nearly every Parenting Safe Children workshop and the answer is (drum roll, please), “It depends!” Some children are ready to go into a bathroom alone at six, while others aren’t ready until nine, ten, or even later. You know your child best. A more mature child is focused and isn’t likely to dawdle. Here are four prevention tips:
 

1. If a bathroom stall is available near the door or your child is using a porta pottie, stand outside the door and talk with your child. This takes away access by demonstrating that your child is well connected to an adult.
2. With children who are four or five or so, start teaching that you don’t go places or talk with people you don’t know, unless you’re with a trusted adult.
3. Teach refusal skills:  “No, thank you. My Mom/Dad is waiting for me.”
4. Reinforce refusal skills with “What If” games. For instance, “If someone talks to you in the bathroom, or you feel uncomfortable in any way, what can you say or do?”

While it’s important to teach kids to be safe around people they don’t know, remember:  85% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone known to the child, not by a stranger, which is why it’s so important to have conversations with all of the caregivers in your child’s life.

 

Day Camp

If your child is enrolled in camp and you have not had the time to screen, this is the perfect opportunity to talk with the administration about child sexual abuse prevention. Make sure prevention is not only on their radar, but that there are policies and practices to back it up. If you ask nothing else, ask these questions:

Administration:

1. Beyond background checks, what is the screening process for new hires?
2. What kind of child sexual abuse prevention training do you offer staff and volunteers?
3. What policies are in place to minimize the risk of child sexual abuse at your camp?

Counselor:

1. How do you monitor older kids mentoring/spending time with younger kids?
2. What are the situations where a counselor might be alone with a child? (The answer should be “Never.”)
3. How would you handle a situation if you saw a child exploring sexually with another child? What if one of the children was coercing the other child vs. exploring?

Also let both administrators and counselors know that your child has body-safety rules—doesn’t keep secretes from you and has permission to tell you about anything that makes him/her worried or uncomfortable. In addition, tell camp caregivers that your child knows he/she is the boss of his/her body and has permission to say, “No,” runaway and tell an adult if someone makes an unsafe request.
 
Have a fun and safe summer!

How to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse - Infographic

April is Child Abuse Prevention month, and this How to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse infographic from Parenting Safe Children shows you how to keep your children safe from sexual abuse. It debunks common myths, offers “must teach” body-safety rules, and gives you specific questions for screening caregivers. Do your child a favor and check it out!





 

How to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse by www.parentingsafechildren.com

Body Safety & Summer Camp

Is it already time to start thinking about summer camp? Kudos to this Colorado mom for including body safety in her email exchange with a potential summer camp program. The mom wove it in with her other questions, but here’s just the portion of the exchange on child sexual abuse prevention.

Mom:
“Please tell me about the special training that camp staff, guides, and leaders receive in body-safety rules to maintain sexual safety at the camp.”

Camp Director:
“The camp staff gets fingerprinted and goes through a background check before employment. Staff also go through an extensive ten-day staff training that is focused on topics such as behavior management, engagement with children, bullying and child abuse prevention training. During the child abuse prevention training, we discuss child safety, appropriate interactions, red flags for abusers, and the importance of staff accountability.”

Mom:
“We teach and practice safety rules at home so that our kids are empowered to protect themselves as well. In particular, they know that they are the boss of their own bodies:  No one gets to touch or see any part of them if they don't want; secrets are not safe; privacy is always allowed; and if they know that a safety rule is being broken they have to tell. I also want any caregiver to understand that we will believe our children if they tell us that a body-safety rule has been broken. Is your Child Abuse Prevention training consistent with ours?”

Camp Director:
“It seems that our child abuse prevention training is consistent with your safety rules. We train our staff on understanding privacy requests and encouraging kids to be the boss of their own bodies and be honest about what is going on at camp. We also train our staff about believing a child when he or she says that a body-safety rule has been broken.”

Seizing Teachable Moments

We’ve started a new weekly series on Facebook about Teachable Moments, those precious opportunities when a child says something that opens the door to inquiry and education. Check out www.facebook.com/parentingsafechildren

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Making Noise for Kids in 2013

In the child sexual abuse prevention community, the story that rocked 2012 came out of Penn State. On this university campus, home to the legendary Nittany Lions, we witnessed the profound failure of an institution and its highest and most visible leaders to protect children. And while this story broke in the press and played out in the courtroom, another 2012 story unfolded, but this one didn’t make the news:  The sexual abuse, one by one, of more than one million children, usually by known and trusted adults, in all corners of the U.S.—and beyond. How could this story have been ignored and who will speak up for children?

We will. You and me—and everyone we can educate and influence.

I know it’s uncomfortable for people to talk about child sexual abuse and body safety because parents tell me that all the time. Child sexual abusers, however, count on this discomfort and silence.

Child sexual abusers seek children who have not been taught body-safety rules. They also look for adults who are unlikely to speak up about behaviors of concern. In the words of an abuser, “I would test the boy to see if he had the ability to keep a secret. . . . If he didn’t [keep the secret] I would them immediately end all attempts at victimizing him. On the other hand, if after a week it was clear that this secret had been kept, I escalated the process.”
If that’s not testimony to the power of prevention, what is?

As we head into the New Year, full of hope and opportunity, will you join me in preventing child sexual abuse by speaking up louder than ever before on behalf of children?

Here are three specific things you can do in 2013 to keep children safe from sexual abuse in your community.

1. Invite five more people (e.g., teacher, pediatrician, coach, aunt, etc.) onto your prevention team by sharing your child’s body-safety rules.
2. The next time you see a behavior of concern or have a gut feeling that something isn’t right, speak up. Talk to the principal or director, a therapist, your local child advocacy center, or call me for a consult. In doing so, you may be saving a child from the pain of sexual abuse and that possibility alone must propel us all to action.
3. Ask five people in your life to attend a Parenting Safe Children workshop or to read Off Limits, so they, too, can learn the body-safety rules and screening techniques required to make families and communities off limits to child sexual abuse.  

I have committed my life to keeping kids safe from sexual abuse. There is nothing I care more deeply about then protecting children, and in 2013 I will continue doing everything I can through Parenting Safe Children and Off Limits to be a voice for children. Please join me in speaking up in 2013 like never before! Let’s make some noise.

Happy New Year!

With gratitude, Feather

Your Top 10 Questions About Body Safety!

1. At what age should I begin talking with my kids about body-safety?

It’s never too early to start talking with children about body safety, as long as the information is age-appropriate and presented without fear. For example, when you’re bathing your 18-month-old daughter, you might say:

“Mommy is cleaning your back and your legs. Now Mommy is helping you
clean you vagina. Your vagina is your private part. You’re the boss of your body.”

As the child gets a little older, you would add to the body-safety rule:
“Your vagina is one of your private parts and no one is allowed to touch your private parts unless you need help cleaning them, or your private parts are hurt or sick and the doctor needs to examine them. And Mommy will always be in the room if the doctor has to look at your private parts.”

In the words of a two-year-old child, whose mother has been teaching body-safety concepts for over a year, “My vagina is mine!”

2. When should my kids stop bathing with each other and when should I (we) stop being naked in front of them?

It is common for children to begin showing modesty around age seven or eight, but it could be as early as five, or even either side of ten. Your child may seek greater privacy when he or she gets dressed or uses the bathroom, and your child may tell you that he or she does not want to bathe with siblings any longer.

If your child doesn’t express modesty through privacy requests, you might bring up the topic through teachable moments. For example, when siblings are bathing together, you might say:

“If at some point either of you prefer to bathe without your sister (or brother),
that’s perfectly fine because in our home we respect each other’s privacy.”

I want to acknowledge that separate bathing, with two or more kids, means more work for parents, so you might consider other ways to reinforce privacy.

A word about nudity: Depending on your values, you may or may not be comfortable with nudity in your home. If you do allow nudity, be sure to reinforce body-safety rules and consider introducing boundaries if any family member expresses discomfort.

3. Do I have to ask permission every time I kiss or hug my child? 

In Parenting Safe Children and my book, Off Limits,   I discuss the importance of allowing children to choose if, when, and with whom they show affection. Why is it important to give children this choice?

It turns out that a child who can say “No” to a loved one in a safe environment has a better chance of saying “No” when approached in an unsafe situation. For this reason, I recommend asking children before showing affection. For instance, you might ask, “May I have a kiss?” or “Do you want a kiss?”

When you ask and a child grants or denies permission, you are empowering your child to be the boss of his or her body. If nothing else, read your child’s body language. If your child resists your hug, then back off and respect his or her wishes. You can also turn resistance into a teachable moment by saying:
“I respect your boundaries and you’re the boss of your body. When you want a hug or a kiss, let me know.”

A young child typically will rush over and give you a hug because he or she feels empowered!
I know how natural it is for parents and grandparents to want to shower their children and grandchildren with hugs and kisses. But giving a child a choice about physical affection is a powerful prevention tool. If you’re having trouble bringing a family member on board with this body-safety rule, please share this newsletter and invite that individual onto your prevention team.

4. What if I teach my seven year old about sex and he/she tells friends about it?

Of course kids are going to discuss sex with their friends! It’s fascinating, right?
I recommend being proactive by letting your children’s caregivers know that you have discussed sex. If your child has a best friend, you might even tell his or her parents. In the same conversation, reinforce your child’s body-safety rules.

Remember not to say to your child, “Don’t tell your friends about sex.” You will contradict your “no secrets” rule, and kids will tell their friends anyway. If it’s really a concern to you, you might say:  “Many times parents like to be the ones to teach their children about sex, so let’s let Liam’s parent(s) tell him when they’re ready.”

5. How do I know if my toddler is safe? She can’t tell me if someone has broken a body-safety rule?

The fewer caregivers you have, the lower the risk of abuse. If you don’t have the option of limiting caregivers, be sure to talk with (“screen”) every caregiver about your child’s body-safety rules and invite him or her onto your prevention team.

While screening is your best prevention tool, it’s also important to know the signs of sexual abuse. (See Off Limits: A Parent’s Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse.)

6. How do I speak with children about masturbation?

Like any other conversation with children, talk about masturbation candidly and with accurate and age-appropriate information. And perhaps most importantly, without shame. As you well know, every day children present teachable moments for parents to introduce and reinforce concepts and values. For instance, if your child has her hands in her pants in public, you might say:

“It’s okay to touch your vagina, but that’s something you do when you’re by yourself. Your vagina is a private part of your body so you touch it when you have privacy.”
 And then you would redirect your child’s attention to something else.

It’s even okay to acknowledge pleasure. Consider this exchange between a Dad and his 4-year-old son:

“Dad, look It’s so big and purple!”
“Yes, that’s because when you touch your penis it feels good.”

Fast forward to fifth or sixth grade, and now age-appropriate discussions might include nocturnal emissions and an explanation that an orgasm is a pleasurable feeling that comes from your penis being touched—and that it’s normal and okay.

I know talking about masturbation may be uncomfortable, but just like your nurture your child’s emotional, spiritual, and physical development, it’s important to  nurture your child’s sexual development. Why? It’s important because sexual offenders look for children who are uninformed about sex so the offender can teach the child. The more you’re available to your child with information about sex and sexuality, the more likely your children will go to you for information and the less vulnerable your child is to sexual abuse.

7. If I teach my kids about sex in primary school, isn’t it going to make them curious to try sex?

Contrary to popular belief, talking to kids about sex does not make them go out and have sex. Not talking about sex and sexuality, however, does contribute to misinformation, confusion, shame, and body image issues. And most pertinent to this discussion, talking with children about sex and sexuality in an age-appropriate way empowers children and teens around body-safety. It lets them know that no topic is off limits, which makes kids more likely to speak with you about both safe and unsafe situations.

You can certainly reinforce your values while having conversations about sex. For instance, “I’m really glad we can talk about sexuality because I don’t want you to be confused or get misinformation from other kids. In our family we really value …”

8. Are there ever children who were not abused themselves, but who go on to sexually abuse other children?

Yes, but most children who act out sexually toward other children have experienced some prior trauma – sexual, physical, emotional, or severe neglect. Remember though, not all children who are victims of sexual abuse will sexually abuse others; in fact, most do not. But of the children who do sexually abuse others, most were traumatized in some way.

9.What happens when you make a report of child abuse to Child Protective Services (CPS)?

Child Protective Services (sometimes called Department of Children & Family Services) is a government agency and its mission is to keep kids safe. When you report actual or suspected abuse to CPS, a screening team reviews the reported incident and determines, based on the state’s criteria, whether to investigate it. If the incident does not meet the state’s criteria, the report is kept on file anyway, which is why it’s important to report suspected abuse. If the incident does meet the state’s criteria, the child is interviewed by a qualified interviewer who determines if the child is in imminent danger and what action should be taken. When the alleged offender is not a family member, law enforcement gets involved; otherwise, social services remains involved.
Remember, the purpose of making a report is to protect the child. CPS wants to keep families together.

10.Do sex offenders “groom” children in front of other people?

Yes, sometimes offenders will groom right in front of you because they want to desensitize you to grooming behavior. Consider this situation: A neighbor spends more time playing with children than adults, and is seen pulling up a child’s shirt and tickling a child’s belly. By engaging in this seemingly playful behavior in front of you, the offender wants you to think, “Gosh, he’s so great with kids.”

I am not suggesting that all adults who play with and tickle kids are offenders, but rather that it’s important to learn the signs of grooming, which I discuss in chapters two through five of Off Limits.