To Monitor, or Not?

In the Parenting Safe Children workshop, I talk about the importance of teaching your children body-safety rules and the equal importance of screening caregivers. Here are some examples of applying screening principles around online safety:

• Screen the sites your children spend time on – and set limits.
• Screen friend lists periodically, just as you would inquire about who your child is spending time with in the outside world.
• Review personal information to make sure that your child’s profile and photos on social networking sites are appropriate. (Some parents require that their child friend a parent as a condition of social media use, so the parent can watch for safe use.)

Then it gets a little trickier, with a host of personal privacy decisions. Do you check your child’s text messages? Do you install parental control software to filter sites or obtain usage reports? These decisions are personal and will vary by family, but please remember two things:

1. Whatever choice you make about filtering programs, no software can take the place of an actively involved parent; and
2. If you are concerned or worried that your child ‘s safety is being comprised, then it is no longer a matter of privacy, but rather one of safety. If your child won’t talk with you, do what you need to do to protect your child, even if it means, for instance, checking his or her text messages.

If and how are you monitoring your child's online activities? 

Your Online Safety Plan

While there are unique safety challenges specific to each form of technology, service, and app, here are ten general practices to support online safety.

1. Keep your computer or tablet in a high-traffic area – e.g., the kitchen or family room.
2. Set limits regarding the sites your kids are allowed to visit, and for how long.
3. Spend time with your children online and invite them to show you sites and activities they enjoy, including chat rooms and social networking.
4. Reinforce body-safety and cyber-safety rules:
• “It’s not okay for other people (kids, teens or adults) to show you pictures or movies of naked people. If you see a photo of a naked person on the computer, please come tell me.”
• “If you have an interaction online or by phone that makes you feel uncomfortable, please tell me or another trusted adult.”
• “If someone tries to contact you by computer or phone who you don’t know, please come tell me or another trusted adult.”
• “Keep your personal information private with your family (birth date, phone #, address, passwords).”
5. Get to know online friends just like you would want to know the people your children hang out with face-to-face.
6. Talk with your children and teens about sex and sexuality.
7. Resist the urge to purchase external web cams.
8. Set clear rules for social networking – e.g., friending Mom or Dad as a condition and only friending people you know.
9. Ask your child to sign a “safe use” agreement. (Family Online Safety Agreement.)
10. Do not hesitate to revoke privileges if the “Safe Use” agreement is broken.

The more you talk with your children about body safety, online safety, sex and sexuality, the more likely your children will seek you out if they have questions or find themselves in an uncomfortable situation. Continually remind children and teens that you have a “no-secrets” home, and that there is nothing they can say or do to make you not love them.

 

Just the Facts, Folks – Online Abuse and How it Happens

[Part 1 in a 3-part series about Keeping Kids Safe Online.]

According to the National Center for Exploited and Missing Children, one in five children (ages 10-17) has been sexually solicited online and nearly 60% of teens have received an email or Instant Message from a stranger—and half have responded back.

For abuse to take place, online predators need access to and privacy with vulnerable children and teens.

Access
95% of youth (ages 12-17) use social networking sites, chat rooms, or blogs[1], giving online predators tremendous access to minors. Even children under five are going online at least once a week.[2]

Privacy
With privacy and anonymity, predators engage youth across multiple media, from chat rooms to gaming sites to text. In fact, according to one survey, 89% of sexual solicitations targeting youth were made in chat rooms or through Instant Message[3].

Gaming also allows for private interactions. 97% of teens (ages 12-17) play online games and 27% of them game with people they first meet on online.[4]

 

While researchers are still learning about the nuances of online grooming behavior, solicitation may include direct requests for chat, information, sexual activity, in-person meeting, or exposure to sexual materials.

 

Vulnerability

Based on research by the leading experts in child sexual abuse prevention, predators seek youth with a history of sexual or physical abuse; who post sexually provocative photos or videos; who talk about sex online with people they do not know; and/or who feel alienated or alone. Boys who are gay or who question their sexual orientation are also vulnerable if they seek out information and connection online.[5]

 

Predators specifically look for kids who engage in four risky online behaviors[6], all of which are more common than we’d like to think:

• Communicating with unknown people
• Sharing personal information with unknown people (More than half of all teens have given out personal info online to someone they don’t know, including photos and physical descriptions.)[7]
• Talking about sex online
• Meeting online friends in the outside world

Even youth who are not engaging in risky behaviors can be vulnerable in the “Wild West” of the online world. For instance, 70% of kids (ages 8-18) have encountered pornography online accidently, sometimes by entering a seemingly benign search term as part of a homework assignment.[8]

Equipped with the facts, now it's time to put together an online safety plan. Stay tuned for part two in this series.

 

Sources:
1. Lenhart A. www.pewinternet.org, Nov 2013.

2. Lenhart A. Social media and young adults. Pew Internet and American Life Project, 2010.

3. http://www.guardchild.com/statistics/

4. Lenhart A. Teens, video games, and civics. Pew Internet & American Life Project, 2008.

5. Wolak J, Finkelhor D, Mitchell K, Ybarra M. Online “predators” and their victims: myths, realities, and implications for prevention and treatment. American Psychologist, 2008; 63, 111-128.

6. Mitchell, K.J., Finkelhor, D., & Wolak, J. Youth internet users at risk for the most serious online sexual solicitations. American Journal of Preventative Medicine, 2007; 32, 532-536.

7. Social Media and Young Adults. Pew Internet & American Life Project, Feb. 2010.

8. Generation M: media in the lives of 8-18 year olds. Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. 2006.

 

 

 

Talking with a Youth Coach about Your Child's Body Safety

Check out the latest screening video from Parenting Safe Children

Just introduced, this video features a grandmother talking with a soccer coach about body safety in the soccer league and on the team. While watching it, you'll see how this grandmother brings up the topic in a pro-active manner, asking multiple questions until she is satisfied she has gotten the information she needs to make an informed decision.

Let us know what you think about the new video and please share it widely with your friends and family members.

Watch it now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IySc_6YZC-E

Here's to keeping kids safe!

Check out the latest screening video from Parenting Safe Children! - See more at: http://blog.parentingsafechildren.com/2013/09/talking-with-prospective-nanny-about.html#sthash.0wlJ30km.dpuf

Check out the latest screening video from Parenting Safe Children!

Just introduced, this video features a couple interviewing a nanny. While watching it, you'll see how to bring up the topic of child sexual abuse prevention in a completely non-threatening way by asking several important questions about secrets and boundaries, and by focusing on your child's body-safety rules.

Please let us know what you think of the new video and be sure to share with all the parents in your life!

Watch it now:  Talking with a Prospective Nanny about Your Child's Body Safety

Here's to keeping kids safe! - See more at: http://blog.parentingsafechildren.com/2013/09/talking-with-prospective-nanny-about.html#sthash.0wlJ30km.dpuf

Talking with a Prospective Nanny about Your Child's Body Safety

Check out the latest screening video from Parenting Safe Children!

Just introduced, this video features a couple interviewing a nanny. While watching it, you'll see how to bring up the topic of child sexual abuse prevention in a completely non-threatening way by asking several important questions about secrets and boundaries, and by focusing on your child's body-safety rules.

Please let us know what you think of the new video and be sure to share with all the parents in your life!

Watch it now:  Talking with a Prospective Nanny about Your Child's Body Safety

Here's to keeping kids safe!

- See more at: http://blog.parentingsafechildren.com/2013/09/talking-with-prospective-nanny-about.html#sthash.0wlJ30km.dpuf

Talking with a Prospective Nanny about Your Child's Body Safety

Check out the latest screening video from Parenting Safe Children!

Just introduced, this video features a couple interviewing a nanny. While watching it, you'll see how to bring up the topic of child sexual abuse prevention in a completely non-threatening way by asking several important questions about secrets and boundaries, and by focusing on your child's body-safety rules.

Please let us know what you think of the new video and be sure to share with all the parents in your life!

Watch it now:  Talking with a Prospective Nanny about Your Child's Body Safety

Here's to keeping kids safe!

How is Your Child's School Reducing the Risk of Child Sexual Abuse?

Talking with the Director

Just as you would talk with the director about curriculum, teachers, meals, and play safety, it's also important to ask about policies and practices that will help to keep your kids safe from sexual abuse. There have been far too many cases of sexual abuse in schools, to let this topic, however uncomfortable, be overlooked.

Ask the director about background checks for teachers, staff and even volunteers. Most sex offenders, however, are never actually caught so they don’t end up on the National Sex Offender Registry. This means it’s also important to ask about reference checking and interviewing. Ideally, the director includes interview questions about the appropriate and inappropriate touch of children.

Also ask about a range of policies:
1)    Adults spending alone time with children
2)    Appropriate and inappropriate touch of children by adults
3)    Appropriate and inappropriate touch of children by other children
4)    Diapering, toileting, and changing clothes

Policies, however, aren’t enough, so you might ask how practices are monitored. As you are talking with the director, look for open and forthcoming communication.

 

Touring the School

As you walk through the school, look at the physical layout and make sure there are no spaces where an adult could be alone with a child. All of the spaces where children study, play, and interact should be open and easily visible. Doors should have windows and bathrooms should not contain areas where children can be isolated. In preschool environments, pay close attention to diaper changing areas.

Meeting the Teacher

If you don’t have a chance to meet your child’s teacher before the first day of school, it's never too late to have a conversation with him or her about your child’s body-safety rules. For example:

“I wanted to tell you that we have been teaching our son, Jamie, some body-safety rules. Perhaps you have heard him exclaim that he is the boss of his body! I also wanted to let you know that our son does not keep secrets. While we will encourage him to follow your safety rules, we have also told him that that if anyone asks him to do something that breaks one of his body-safety rules, he has permission to say ‘No’ and tell us right away.”

 

Training for Teachers, Staff, Parents & Children

The strongest child abuse prevention programs include regular education. At a minimum, look for annual staff training that covers myths and facts about sexual abuse, school policies, appropriate and inappropriate touch of children, and the warning signs that someone is abusing or being abused.

(This article by Feather Berkower originally appeared in Dr. Greene. Dr. Greene uses information technology to make pediatric wisdom more accessible.)

Summer Fun, Summer Safety

Pools

My 7-year-old daughter, Erin, will be taking swimming lessons. How do I talk to the swim instructor about her body safety?

First off, the goal of any screening is to invite caregivers onto your prevention team. It’s not an interrogation; it’s a conversation. Many parents ask me how to begin the conversation, so in the response below I offer some specific language. Of course, choose words that feel authentic to you. Initiate the conversation in a friendly manner:

“My daughter is so excited to be taking swim lessons. Do you have a couple minutes so we can talk a bit about safety? Can you tell me about your safety rules for the swim lessons?”
 
After the coach responds, let him or her know that you have additional rules you want to share. This is where you get to talk about body safety and secrets:
 
“I will ask Erin to follow the safety rules you just mentioned. I also want to let you know about our safety rules, which we share with all of our daughter’s caregivers and teachers. Erin does not keep secrets from her parents, she has permission to talk to trusted adults if she feels scared or worried, she is allowed to refuse unsafe requests, and lastly, she has body-safety rules for keeping her physical body safe.”
 
If it’s your first time screening, you might be more comfortable including your spouse or another parent. Either way, through this brief exchange, you are saying, “Let’s be partners in prevention” and you are sending a clear message, “My kid is off limits.”

Public Restrooms

So you’re off to a baseball game, state fair, or amusement park. Should you let your child go into the bathroom alone?

I get this question in nearly every Parenting Safe Children workshop and the answer is (drum roll, please), “It depends!” Some children are ready to go into a bathroom alone at six, while others aren’t ready until nine, ten, or even later. You know your child best. A more mature child is focused and isn’t likely to dawdle. Here are four prevention tips:
 

1. If a bathroom stall is available near the door or your child is using a porta pottie, stand outside the door and talk with your child. This takes away access by demonstrating that your child is well connected to an adult.
2. With children who are four or five or so, start teaching that you don’t go places or talk with people you don’t know, unless you’re with a trusted adult.
3. Teach refusal skills:  “No, thank you. My Mom/Dad is waiting for me.”
4. Reinforce refusal skills with “What If” games. For instance, “If someone talks to you in the bathroom, or you feel uncomfortable in any way, what can you say or do?”

While it’s important to teach kids to be safe around people they don’t know, remember:  85% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone known to the child, not by a stranger, which is why it’s so important to have conversations with all of the caregivers in your child’s life.

 

Day Camp

If your child is enrolled in camp and you have not had the time to screen, this is the perfect opportunity to talk with the administration about child sexual abuse prevention. Make sure prevention is not only on their radar, but that there are policies and practices to back it up. If you ask nothing else, ask these questions:

Administration:

1. Beyond background checks, what is the screening process for new hires?
2. What kind of child sexual abuse prevention training do you offer staff and volunteers?
3. What policies are in place to minimize the risk of child sexual abuse at your camp?

Counselor:

1. How do you monitor older kids mentoring/spending time with younger kids?
2. What are the situations where a counselor might be alone with a child? (The answer should be “Never.”)
3. How would you handle a situation if you saw a child exploring sexually with another child? What if one of the children was coercing the other child vs. exploring?

Also let both administrators and counselors know that your child has body-safety rules—doesn’t keep secretes from you and has permission to tell you about anything that makes him/her worried or uncomfortable. In addition, tell camp caregivers that your child knows he/she is the boss of his/her body and has permission to say, “No,” runaway and tell an adult if someone makes an unsafe request.
 
Have a fun and safe summer!