Keeping Kids Safe Online – 10 Best Practices

While there are unique safety challenges specific to each form of technology, service, and app, here are ten general practices to support online safety.

1. Keep your computer or tablet in a high-traffic area.
2. Limit the sites your kids are allowed to visit, and for how long.
3. Spend time with your children online and invite them to show you sites and activities they enjoy, including chat rooms and social networking.
4. Don’t allow children to take their phones and tablets into the bedroom overnight.
5. Resist the urge to purchase external web cams.
6. Get to know your children’s online friends just as you would their in-person friends.
7. Let children know that they have to “friend” you as a condition of using social media.
8. Teach children not to share personal information (birth date, phone #, address, passwords)
9. Ask your child to a sign “Safe Use” agreement – and don’t hesitate to revoke privileges if the “Safe Use” agreement is broken.
10. Talk with other parents about your online safety practices and setting limits when kids are using devices together on play dates. 

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Please share this post.

To Monitor Online Access – or Not

In the Parenting Safe Children Workshop, I talk about the importance of teaching your children body-safety rules and the equal importance of inviting caregivers onto your prevention team. Here are some examples of applying screening principles around online safety:

• Screen the sites your children spend time on – and set limits.
• Screen friend lists periodically, just as you would inquire about who your child is spending time with in the outside world.
• Review personal information to make sure that your child’s profile and photos on social networking sites are appropriate. (Some parents require that their child friend a parent as a condition of social media use, so the parent can watch for safe use.)

Then it gets a little trickier, with a host of personal privacy decisions. Do you check your child’s text messages? Do you install parental control software to filter sites or obtain usage reports? These decisions are personal and will vary by family, but please remember two things:

1. Whatever choice you make about filtering programs, no software can take the place of an actively involved parent; and
2. If you are concerned or worried that your child ‘s safety is being comprised, then it is no longer a matter of privacy, but rather one of safety. If your child won’t talk with you, do what you need to do to protect your child, even if it means, for instance, checking his or her text messages.

If and how are you monitoring your child's online activities? What monitoring programs are you using?

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Please share this post.

Is Porn Bad for Kids?

Take the Parenting Safe Children Online Safety Quiz

Guest Post by Annie Gardiner

I remember the first time I found a Playboy magazine. Wide-eyed, I turned the pages feeling both nervous and excited.

Teens look at porn out of curiosity, for stimulation, or to impress friends. It’s entirely normal for children to be interested in sex and viewing images is one way teens, particularly post-pubescent males, satisfy their sexual curiosity and urges.

But is online porn different?

I can say without hesitation that looking at an occasional Playboy or Penthouse as a teen didn’t harm me.  But today, in the world of online porn, it’s a whole other ball game.

Online porn comes in flavors that are detrimental. The prevalence of violent and illegal images is mind boggling, and these pictures send inappropriate and unrealistic messages about sex, sexuality, and gender roles. With millions of demeaning porn images swirling about the Internet, what are teens and young adults learning about what it means to be a sexual partner and what it means to have a consensual and respectful relationship?

I’m a realist, and I understand curiosity about sex is normal and teens will continue to view porn online, so perhaps the best question is, what are parents doing? 

According to some adolescent therapists, parents are sort of surprised to realize that their teen has become a sexual being and that parents aren’t sure how to navigate a conversation about pornography and healthy sexuality.

What do you think? What kinds of conversations are you having with your children / teens about online porn?

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Please share this post.

Children, Teens and Online Sexual Solicitations

Parents tell us they are both supportive and wary of their children’s online involvement. Children and teens go online to do homework, grab an Uber, socialize, play games, and find out information about any topic – from sports to babysitting jobs to dating and sex.


Online Sexual Solicitations
Online abuse, however, is more common than we might like to think, so it’s important to understand how it happens. According to different research studies, between one in five and one in 11 youth (ages 10-17) has been sexually solicited online. According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, females and teens (ages 14-17) are more likely to be solicited.

A sexual solicitation might be “What are you wearing?” or “What is your bra size?” to a more aggressive online solicitation where a child is invited to game at someone’s house – and that someone has ill intentions.

What Online Predators Need
The more a child uses the Internet, the more likely they are to be solicited. For abuse to take place, online predators need access to and privacy with children and teens.

Access
95% of youth (ages 12-17) use social networking sites, and chat rooms[1], giving online predators tremendous access to minors. Even children under five are going online at least once a week.[2]

Privacy
With privacy and anonymity, predators engage youth across multiple media, from chat rooms to gaming sites to instant messaging. In fact, according to one survey, 89% of sexual solicitations targeting youth were made in chat rooms or through Instant Message[3].

Gaming also allows for private interactions, and 97% of teens (ages 12-17) play online games.

While researchers are still learning about the nuances of online grooming behavior, solicitation may include direct requests for chat, information, sexual activity, in-person meeting, or exposure to sexual materials. 

Who Online Predators Target
Based on research by the leading experts in child sexual abuse prevention, predators seek youth with a history of sexual or physical abuse; who post sexually provocative photos or videos; who talk about sex online with people they do not know; and/or who feel alienated or alone. Boys who are gay or who question their sexual orientation are also vulnerable if they seek out information and connection online.[5]
 
Risky Online Behaviors
Predators specifically look for kids who engage in four risky online behaviors[6]:

• Communicating with unknown people
• Sharing personal information with unknown people (More than half of all teens have given out personal info online to someone they don’t know, including photos and physical descriptions.)[7]
• Talking about sex online
• Meeting online friends in the outside world

Even youth who are not engaging in risky behaviors can be vulnerable in the “Wild West” of the online world. Seventy percent of kids (ages 8-18) have encountered pornography online accidentally, sometimes by entering a seemingly benign search term as part of a homework assignment. [8]

Now what can you do about this? Stay tuned for more content from Parenting Safe Children during Child Abuse Prevention Month. Oh, and have you taken The Parenting Safe Children Online Safety Quiz?



Sources:

1. Lenhart A. www.pewinternet.org, Nov 2013.

2. Lenhart A. Social media and young adults. Pew Internet and American Life Project, 2010.

3. http://www.guardchild.com/statistics

4. Lenhart A. Teens, video games, and civics. Pew Internet & American Life Project, 2008.

5. Wolak J, Finkelhor D, Mitchell K, Ybarra M. Online “predators” and their victims: myths, realities, and implications for prevention and treatment. American Psychologist, 2008; 63, 111-128.

6. Mitchell, K.J., Finkelhor, D., &Wolak, J. Youth internet users at risk for the most serious online sexual solicitations. American Journal of Preventative Medicine, 2007; 32, 532-536.

7. Social Media and Young Adults. Pew Internet & American Life Project, Feb. 2010.

8. Kaiser Foundation, 2006

 

Your Top 10 Questions About Body Safety

1.  At what age should I begin talking with my kids about body-safety? 

It's never too early or too late to start talking with children about their body safety, as long as the information is age-appropriate and
presented without fear. For example, when you're bathing your 18-month-old daughter, you might say:

"Mommy is cleaning your back and your legs. Now Mommy is helping you clean your vulva. Your vulva and vagina are your private parts. You're the boss of your body."

As your child gets a little older, you would add to the body-safety rule: "Your vulva and your vagina are two of your private parts, and no one is allowed to touch your private parts unless you need help cleaning them, or your private parts are hurt or sick and the doctor or nurse needs to examine them. And I will always be in the room if the doctor has to look at your private parts."

In the words of a two-year-old child, whose mother has been teaching body-safety concepts for over a year, "My vagina is mine!"

If you have a six-year-old child and you have not discussed body safety yet, you certainly can begin now. When your adorable child strips off his/her clothes running around the house, giggling while the neighbors are over, you can teach your child that when there is company in your home, clothes stay on, and private parts stay covered.


2.  When should my kids stop bathing with each other and when should I (we) stop being naked in front of them?

It is common for children to begin showing modesty around age seven or eight, but it could be as early as five, or even either side of ten. Your child may seek greater privacy when he or she gets dressed or uses the bathroom, and your child may tell you that he or she does not want to bathe with siblings any longer.

If your child doesn't express modesty through privacy requests, you might bring up the topic through teachable moments. For example, when siblings are bathing together, you might say:

"If at some point either of you prefer to bathe without your sister (or brother), that's perfectly fine because in our home we respect each others privacy."

I want to acknowledge that separate bathing, with two or more kids, means more work for parents, so you might consider other ways to
reinforce privacy.

A word about nudity: Depending on your values, you may or may not be comfortable with nudity in your home. If you do allow nudity, be sure to reinforce body-safety rules and consider introducing boundaries if any family member expresses discomfort. Also be sure to have everyone clothed when other children or adults are visiting your home.

3.  Do I have to ask permission every time I kiss or hug my child?

In Parenting Safe Children workshops and in my book, Off Limits, I discuss the importance of allowing children to choose if, when, and with whom they hug and kiss. Why is it so important to give children this choice? Because by teaching children early on about boundaries, you are setting the stage for mutual respect and consent throughout their lives.

 And it turns out that a child who can say "No" to a loved one in a safe environment has a better chance of saying "No" if approached in an unsafe situation. For this reason, I recommend getting consent, particularly with younger children. You might say, "May I have a kiss?" or "Do you want a kiss?" When you ask, and a child grants or denies permission, you are empowering your child to be the boss of his or her body. And sometimes, a child who feels empowered will then rush over to hug you; on the other hand, if your child runs off asserting his/her right to choose, you can feel good knowing that you are helping your child understand the ever important concept of consent.

With older kids, you can also read body language, and when you know your child doesn't want to be smothered with kisses, just name it -- e.g., "As much as I want to give you hugs and kisses, I can see you don't want them now and that's your choice. You always get to choose whether you want to be touched, or not."

If you're having trouble bringing a family member on board with this body-safety rule, please share this newsletter and invite that individual onto your prevention team.

4.  If my child doesn't ask questions or seem curious about sex, should I bring it up?  

Yes! Be proactive and look for teachable moments to open conversations. Some children are reluctant to ask questions about sexuality, or just don't ask a lot of questions in general. Your child may never ask, but it's still important for you be their first correct source of information.

You can normalize conversations about sexual development at different stages in your child's growth. For example, if your five-year-old child stares at your menstrual blood in the toilet but doesn't ask questions, use it as a teachable moment and provide basic information. "Mommy has her period right now which means there's some blood coming out of her vagina. Mommy is not hurt. The blood is coming out because Mommy is not growing a baby. When a baby grows, the blood feeds the baby."

Your child might say, "Oh" and run off to play, but you've started the  conversation and have let your child know that no topics are off limits. When discussing sexual development with children, all you ever have to do is just give the facts and tell the truth.

5. What if I teach my seven-year-old child about sex and he/she tells friends about it?

 Of course kids are going to discuss sex with their friends! It's fascinating, right?

I recommend being proactive by letting your children's caregivers know that you have discussed sex. If your child has a best friend, you might even tell his or her parents. In the same conversation, reinforce your child's body-safety rules.

Remember to avoid saying to your child, "Don't tell your friends about sex." If you do so, you'll be contradicting your "no secrets" rule, and kids will tell their friends anyway. If it's really a concern to you, you might say: "Many times parents like to be the ones to teach their children about sex, so let's let Liam's parent(s) tell him when they're ready."

6.  How do I know if my toddler is safe? She can't tell me if someone has broken a body-safety rule?

The fewer caregivers you have, the lower the risk of abuse. If you don't have the option of limiting caregivers, be sure to talk with every caregiver about your child's body-safety rules and invite each one onto your prevention team.

While screening is your best prevention tool, it's also important to know the signs of sexual abuse. (See Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse.)

 7.  How do I speak with my children about touching their own genitals?

Like any other conversation with children, talk about touching genitals candidly, accurately, and perhaps most importantly, without shame. Your child will present you with ample teachable moments to introduce and reinforce body-safety concepts alongside your values, and it really is possible to answer kid's questions in an age-appropriate way.

Consider this common situation: Your child has her hands in her pants. It could be in public, when relatives are visiting, or while playing with other children, but here's what a response might look like:

"It's okay to touch your vulva/vagina, but that's something you do when you're by yourself. Your vulva and vagina are private parts of your body, so you touch them when you have privacy."

And then you would redirect your child's attention to something else.

It's even okay to acknowledge pleasure. Consider this exchange between a Dad and his 4-year-old son:

"Dad, look It's so big and purple!"

"Yes, that's because when you touch your penis it feels good."

Fast forward to fifth or sixth grade, and now age-appropriate discussions might include nocturnal emissions and an explanation that an orgasm is a pleasurable feeling that comes from your penis being touched -- and that it's normal and okay. Remind your child that he can touch his own penis but others cannot until he gives consent as an older teen or adult.

I know talking about masturbation may be uncomfortable, but just like you nurture your child's emotional, spiritual, and physical development, it's important to nurture your child's sexual development. Why? Sexual offenders look for children who are uninformed about sex so the offender can teach the child. The more you're available to your child with information about sex and
sexuality, the more likely your children will go to you for information, and the less vulnerable your child is to sexual abuse.

8.  If I teach my kids about sex in primary school, isn't it going to make them curious to try sex?

Contrary to popular belief, talking to kids about sex does not make them go out and have sex. Not talking about sex and sexuality, however, does contribute to misinformation, confusion, shame, and body image issues. And most pertinent to this discussion, talking with children about sex and sexuality, in an age-appropriate way, empowers children and teens around body safety. It lets them know that no topic is off limits, which makes kids more likely to speak with you about both safe and unsafe situations.

You can certainly reinforce your values while having conversations about sex. For instance, "I'm really glad we can talk about sexuality because I don't want you to be confused or get misinformation from other kids. In our family we really value ..."

9.  Do sex offenders "groom" children in front of other people?

Yes, sometimes offenders will groom right in front of you because they want to desensitize you to grooming behavior. Consider this situation: A neighbor spends more time playing with children than adults, and is seen pulling up a child's shirt and tickling a child's belly. By engaging in this seemingly playful behavior in front of you, the offender wants you to think, "Gosh, he's so great with kids," and hopes you will not set boundaries.

I am not suggesting that all adults who play with and tickle kids are offenders, but rather that it's important to learn the signs of grooming, which I discuss in Off Limits and the Parenting Safe Children Workshop.

10.  What happens when a report of child abuse is made to Child Protective Services (CPS)?

 Child Protective Services (CPS and sometimes called Department of Children & Family Services) is a government agency and its mission is to keep kids safe. When you report actual or suspected abuse to CPS, a screening team reviews the reported incident and determines, based on the state's criteria, whether to investigate it. If the incident does not meet the state's criteria, the report is kept on file anyway, which is why it's important to report suspected abuse. If the incident does meet the state's criteria, the child is interviewed by a qualified interviewer who determines if the child is in imminent danger and what action should be taken. When the alleged offender is not a family member, law enforcement may get involved; otherwise, social services remains involved.

Remember, the purpose of making a report is to protect the child. CPS wants to keep families together. 

For more information about keeping children safe from sexual abuse, visit parentingsafechildren.com