I’ve been asked many questions about transgender men and women using bathrooms and parental concerns about sexual abuse. The questions themselves sometime imply that transgender people are more likely to abuse and this reminds me of a similar myth that is still perpetuated about Gay men.
Fact Check: Gender identity and same sexual orientation are not predictors of child sexual abuse. The vast majority of child sexual abusers are heterosexual males.
North Carolina’s House Bill 2 and similar legislation ban people from using public bathrooms that do not correspond with the sex listed on their birth certificate. Proponents of such legislation argue that it’s important because a transgender person, or someone posing as transgender, might otherwise enter a women’s restroom and attack a young girl.
Fact Check: There are hundreds of nondiscrimination measures in place across the United States, and according to law enforcement officials, there has not been a surge in bathroom victimizations.
Unbeknownst, you and your children have been sharing public bathrooms with transgender men and women long before North Carolina passed House Bill 2 and well before Target announced a policy allowing transgender people to use the restroom of their choice. We didn’t worry it about it then and we shouldn’t worry now.
Fact Check: Child sexual abuse typically takes place in homes, youth organizations, schools, camps, and places of faith – not typically in public bathrooms.
“Stranger danger” is among a parent’s worst fear and such occurrences garner a great deal of media attention because they are brazen and sometimes horrific, but in day-to-day reality, people who sexually abuse children typically “groom” children and teens over days, weeks, and months. The abuser is not just alone with the child, but has authority over the child and takes advantage of the child’s trust.
Fact Check: 90-93% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows and trusts, who is already in their life – not by strangers.
This statistic may not feel entirely reassuring because it means that 7-10% of abuse is committed by someone the child does not know, but this is not necessarily in a bathroom.
Female survivors are speaking up as well and a few have shared in the press that it would be traumatic to find a person with male genitals in the bathroom. My heart goes out to every survivor healing from sexual assault. It may be helpful to know that most gender neutral bathrooms, particularly at this point, are single-stall bathrooms – often labeled “Family Restroom” – so anyone using that bathroom is alone anyway.
In the absence of facts, I believe that people are contributing to a climate of discrimination that hurts transgender people – and does nothing to keep children safe from sexual abuse. In fact, discrimination not only hurts the group whom it targets, but in this case it’s a dangerous distraction. I urge people to redirect their focus to meaningful ways of keeping children safe.
- Educate yourself about grooming behaviors so you can spot behaviors of concern.
- Teach children the difference between secrets and surprises. A secret is something that someone asks you “never” to tell and makes you feel uncomfortable. A surprise is something that makes you feel good and will come out into the open like a gift or a party.
- Maintain a “No secrets” policy in your home. Let your kids know that you don’t have secrets, only surprises. Instead of saying, “Don’t tell Mom I let you stay up tonight or we’ll both get into trouble,” you might say, "I'll let you stay up late tonight and if Mom and I disagree about bedtime, we'll work it out. It's not your problem."
- Discuss boundaries around touch with all of your child’s caregivers, including family members, coaches, teachers, and faith leaders, and let caregivers know that your child does not keep secrets and has permission to tell you everything.
- Let adults know that your child has permission to say “No” if he or she ever feels unsafe.
Parenting Safe Children stands in unison with 250 national, state and local organizations, that work to prevent child sexual abuse or work with sexual assault and domestic violence survivors, in supporting equal bathroom access for transgender people.
It’s never too late to talk with your camp or summer program director about child sexual abuse prevention. Here are the three must-ask questions:
1. Beyond background checks, what is the screening process for new hires?
Look for camps & programs that have a three-part staff interview process: Background checks, personal interviews, and reference checks. Background checks alone are not enough because most people who sexually abuse children are never legally identified and won’t come up on a background check. Interviews should include questions about counselors’ boundaries with children and a discussion of the camp’s zero tolerance of sexual abuse. The reference check might include a question about how the candidate upholds boundaries with children.
2. What kind of child sexual abuse prevention training do you offer staff and volunteers?
Camps typically provide orientation for staff. Find out if and how the orientation includes training about child sexual abuse prevention. The training should dispel common myths about sexual abuse, introduce body-safety policies, cover how sexual abusers groom children, and identify warning signs that someone is abusing or being abused.
3. What specific policies are in place to minimize the risk of child sexual abuse at your camp?
Make sure there is a rule for adults spending time alone with children (two adults to one child); appropriate and inappropriate touch of children by adults – and by other children. If your child is going to a sleep-away camp, also ask about showering policies and sleeping arrangements.
Up to 50 percent of child sexual abuse is committed by youth, so it’s important to discuss policies for older kids spending time with younger kids. Just as a counselor should never be alone with a child, an older camper should not be spending time one-on-one with a younger camper either.
If you’re not sure how to start a safety conversation and invite someone onto your prevention team, check out the Parenting Safe Children Conversation-Starter Cards!
I’ve been asked a lot of questions lately about transgender men and women using bathrooms and parental concerns about sexual abuse.
North Carolina’s House Bill 2 law and similar legislation ban people from using public bathrooms that do not correspond with their biological sex. Proponents of such legislation argue that it’s important because men might otherwise enter women’s restrooms and attack young girls.
Well, I’ve got news for you: You have been sharing public bathrooms with transgender men and women long before North Carolina passed House Bill 2 and well before Target announced a policy allowing transgender people to use the restroom of their choice. We didn’t worry then and we shouldn’t worry now – if people simply embrace fact over myth, acceptance over fear, and follow basic Parenting Safe Children safety rules.
First the facts:
- There are hundreds of nondiscrimination measures in place across the United States, and according to law enforcement officials, there has not been a surge in bathroom victimizations. Here’s why:
- 90% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows and trusts, who is already in their life – not by strangers.
- Child sexual abuse takes place in homes, youth organizations, schools, camps, places of faith – not typically in retail or large public bathrooms.
- People who sexually abuse children typically “groom” children and teens over days, weeks, and months. The abuser is not just alone with the child, but has authority over the child and takes advantage of the child’s trust.
Yes, it’s important to teach children safety rules about using public bathrooms, just like you would educate your child about safe practices for walking home from school. For instance, teach your child to use public bathrooms in groups of two or more and to let an adult know when separating from a larger group to use the restroom. If it’s a younger child, you’ll either be accompanying him or her, or standing outside the door.
In the absence of facts, I believe that people are contributing to a climate of discrimination that hurts transgender people – and does nothing to keep children safe from sexual abuse. In fact, discrimination not only hurts the group whom it targets, but in this case it’s a dangerous distraction. I urge people to redirect their focus to meaningful ways of keeping children safe.
- Educate yourself about grooming behaviors so you can spot behaviors of concern.
- Teach children the difference between secrets and surprises. A secret is something that someone asks you “never” to tell and makes you feel uncomfortable. A surprise is something that makes you feel good and will come out into the open like a gift or a party.
- Maintain a “No secrets” policy in your home. Let your kids know that you don’t have secrets, only surprises. Instead of saying, “Don’t tell Mom I let you stay up tonight or we’ll both get into trouble,” you might say, "I'll let you stay up late tonight and if Mom and I disagree about bedtime, we'll work it out. It's not your problem."
- Discuss boundaries around touch with all of your child’s caregivers, including family members, coaches, teachers, and faith leaders. Let each person know that your child does not keep secrets and has permission to tell you everything.
- Let adults know that your child has permission to say, "No" if he or she ever feels unsafe.
Parenting Safe Children proudly stands in unison with 250 national, state and local organizations, that work with sexual assault and domestic violence survivors, in supporting equal bathroom access for transgender people.
Test your Knowledge about Child Sexual Abuse.
April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Please join me in countering our culture of silence about child sexual abuse by speaking up and having Courageous Conversations.
Child sexual abuse thrives in a culture of silence and opportunity, and by not speaking up, we leave children vulnerable. In fact, offenders have told me outright that they count on our discomfort and silence. On the contrary, when adults are willing to talk openly with caregivers about child sexual abuse and body-safety rules, opportunity for abuse is minimized.
If we are going to stop child sexual abuse, we must be willing to have Courageous Conversations, day in and day out. Only then can we prevent children from being sexually exploited, usually by someone the child knows and trusts. If adults are uncomfortable talking to caregivers about body safety, how can we possibly expect a child to speak up in a difficult situation? It’s just not fair to ask children to do our work.
A strong child sexual abuse prevention program, like Parenting Safe Children, places responsibility for child safety in the hands of adults. Yes, we need to teach children how to say “No” to unwanted touch, but its only we adults who can transform our culture into one with a zero tolerance for child sexual abuse.
Every day this month, I am posting a Courageous Conversation tip on Facebook. Many of you ask me for language to help you get the conversation started, so I am including sample language as well. Go to Facebook now and please also share my posts with everyone you know so we can build communities – far and wide – that are off limits to child sexual abuse.
Prevention works – and together, we can keep children safe from sexual abuse.
I am thrilled to announce the Parenting Safe Children Online Workshop, so parents and families across the United States and overseas have access to my popular program for raising children with strong body pride and for building communities that are off limits to child sexual abuse.
The New Online Workshop
Based on the Parenting Safe Children Workshop, which I’ve delivered live to thousands of parents, the Parenting Safe Children Online Workshop, focuses on these essential parenting skills:
- Teaching children about boundaries, privacy, and saying “No” to unwanted touch.
- Learning the difference between age-appropriate sexual behavior and problematic sexual behavior.Identifying when a child, teen or adult may be harming a child sexually.
- Teaching children about body pride through body-safety rules, teachable moments, and “What-If” games.
- Asking daycare, schools, youth organizations, and places of faith about key policies for keeping children safe from sexual abuse.
- Building confidence for talking about body safety with caregivers: Day care providers, teachers, babysitters, coaches, religious leaders, and members of your own family.
Pricing and Content
For an introductory $39.99, anyone outside of the Denver metro area can gain instant access to the Parenting Safe Children curriculum, which includes:
- Three modules of learning from Parenting Safe Children founder and national child sexual abuse prevention expert, Feather Berkower, divided into short segments for easy access and retention.
- Transformative videos, reading materials, and activities, available any time, day or night.
- Ten-page download to support parents in applying body-safety concepts in their home and community.
Call to Action
With the Parenting Safe Children Online Workshop, we can reach parents, loved ones, and caregivers throughout the United States, and around the world like never before. This is a great day for parents and kids, so please join me in my mission of keeping kids safe by
- Registering today for the Parenting Safe Children Online Workshop, to which you’ll have 60-day access (from the date of purchase).
- Sharing this blog post and link with your friends and family so they can become part of your prevention team.
Accessing the course is easy:
- Register at http://parentingsafechildren.com/index.php/online-workshop
- Pay via PayPal or a credit card – Be sure to enter your discount code OFFLIMITS on this screen to get the course for $39.99 (regularly $44.99).
- Begin the workshop, which you have 60 days to complete, from the date of purchase.
Thank you for all you do to keep children safe from sexual abuse!
by a Colorado Mom
I took my eight-year-old daughter to the doctor because she was having some irritation around her vagina. I talked with her ahead of time and said that the doctor may need to look at her vagina. I repeated, as I have in the past, that it's okay because I'll be with her and it's a doctor whose job is to keep her safe and healthy.
So we went into the exam and before she was examined I said to the doctor, “We have been talking about body safety and body safety rules. I have told my daughter that it's okay for you to examine her because I am here and you are helping to keep her safe and healthy.” The doctor said, "Alright, is it okay if I look at your vagina?” My daughter said “yes."
It was a short exam, and it looks like she has some irritation because of bubble bath. It was not uncomfortable and I felt like I had the confidence and language to speak up because of the Parenting Safe Children workshop. I think my daughter also felt more comfortable because I was so open and matter of fact, and because of the conversation I had with the doctor where I asserted a body-safety rule.
by Julia Julian, Colorado Mom
I am a radical mama. I teach my children they are the boss of their bodies. In our family we do not keep secrets. We talk about everything. We listen to the good, the bad, and the ugly. NO means NO. We play “What if” games. We teach the names of our body parts. “Mom” my youngest use to say, “You have a china”. “Honey I am a girl; I have a vagina.” “Mom, I came out of your penis.” “Sweetheart, you have a penis because you’re a boy.” I teach my boys to listen to their inner voice, their gut, their intuition, the Holy Spirit, or whatever you want to call it. For myself, I call it my mama voice.
When I was a little girl, my mom would scare me. “Don’t let men even touch your elbow” “Men and women,” she would say “will corrupt you, hurt you, and ruin you.” She had good reason. Her father was molested by his aunt since he was a small child. Generations of fear passed down like a heavy baton in the race of life.
I wanted to have children and did not want to teach them to fear those who lurk in our own families, places of worship, schools, and sports teams. Those who weave children into their charming web. I wanted my children to be safe without fear, but how?
When my oldest boy was two years old, we heard about this radical class, Parenting Safe Children. My husband attended the workshop. He thought it was the hardest and most gratifying class he had ever taken. I was in awe from what he told me and what I read. Right away our family joined the prevention team.
It has been 5 years since we took Feather Berkower’s radical class. When I sign my boys up for a class, a camp, sports, or church functions, I say, “My boys are the boss of their bodies. We do not have secrets in our family. They are obedient unless they feel their body is not being respected. Are you alright with this? What are your body safety policies?” I have said this in group orientations and parents said they have taken the class and are embarrassed to speak up. I tell parents, “try it, practice it, it will protect your child, you will do awesome.”
I talk to the people in charge of my children. Some are receptive, some are not. I have encountered all sorts of reactions, facial expressions, whispers, and questions, “what are you talking about” or “are you accusing me of something?” Other reactions have been positive, grateful, in agreement, and understanding. If I do not protect my boys by just simply talking then who will protect them? No One.
If I do not feel comfortable, my boys do not stay. My boys have said, “Mom I do not feel safe here” so we go. Today my son was showing his soccer coach an "owie." The coach said, “Spit on your 'owie' to heal it, but do not tell your mom or dad.” I was sitting behind them. My five year old reminded him, “I don’t do secrets. I tell my mommy and daddy everything.” And I also followed up with the coach.
When I talk to caregivers I have the mindset of inviting everyone onto my prevention team. In my heart I do this for my boys and for children everywhere. I protect my phone and my laptop by not leaving them with strangers. I wear a seatbelt. I put my money in a bank. I lock my car. I do not want to lock my boys up with fear or put them at risk. I want them to seize the day. So I speak up. I keep it simple. I listen to my inner voice. If people have a problem with this simple talk, then they are not good enough for my boys.
I want to keep my boys safe so they can have the best life possible, full of freedom, joy, and love. Isn’t that what we all want?
Feather’s workshop is not radical and I am not a radical mama after all.
